Who will win?
By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Recently, there’s been some rumbling caused by grown men on social media, who think that they could collectively take down a single gorilla. Not only is this troubling because it promotes violence, but the poor gorilla would be forced to interact with 100 men at once.
I thought we were safe here at UC Davis, since those in higher education should surely understand that they don’t stand a chance against a 400-pound gorilla. Unfortunately, a cohort of male students has proved me wrong. One of my spies informed me that a secret society has appeared on campus, and they are planning to find a gorilla to take on. Since trends are so fleeting, these students wasted no time getting together to plan their gorilla excursion. I have confirmation that they have met bi-weekly for the past three weeks.
To make things even more juicy, I got tipped off that this secret society was planning to take on a gorilla that same night. Naturally, I, informing no one, took matters into my own hands. Armed with my notebook and night vision goggles, I prepared to follow these men to their demise.
Many are probably wondering where these men would find a gorilla in Davis. Another source of mine told me that, in their first secret society meeting, the men searched “gorilla near me” on Google and, surprisingly, received no results. Without a gorilla in their sights, they did the only thing that felt right — they decided to break into the UC Davis Primate Research Center in hopes that the facility would have a gorilla just lying around.
Unfortunately for these men, I happen to know that the Primate Research Center does not have a gorilla.
I followed the men in my Jeep Grand Cherokee all the way to the Primate Research Center. Normally, I tailgate people with my brights on, but I thought it would be better to follow at a safe distance to maintain my secrecy.
One of these men miraculously had a key to the Primate Research Center, and they all filed in one after another. They were wearing black ski masks (classic) to conceal their identity, which was perfect, because I was able to put one on and blend in with the group. Dare I say 101 men versus one gorilla?
Unfortunately, I wasn’t there to help them — I was there to watch and secretly take notes — so they were on their own with the imaginary gorilla. I watched as they filed through different labs and found no gorilla fighting ring. Even with the ski masks covering their faces, I could tell that they were disappointed. When they reached the final lab room, it was becoming glaringly obvious that there was no gorilla. The men sighed in disappointment and looked around at each other, searching for something to do or say.
That was when a couple of the men started interacting with monkeys in the lab. It appeared that the monkeys and the men had many things in common. So, when it was time to leave, the men felt an overwhelming amount of sadness to let their new friends go. Until one of them said, “Guys, what if we took the monkeys with us?”
With that, it took very little convincing to get all 100 of the men to pick a monkey to take away from the lab. Nestled on their shoulders, it appeared that the monkeys were also enjoying their rescue. One by one, the men filed out of the Primate Research Center, each with a monkey on their shoulders. None of them had a care in the world about what would happen next, because all they needed were their newfound primal friendships.
Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
