Where the five love languages fall short
By MOLLY THOMPSON – mmtthompson@ucdavis.edu
“Your love language is physical touch,” proclaimed the results of my online quiz, displaying a colorful pie chart depicting my “Love Language Profile.” Spanning 33% of the circle, the orange segment representing physical touch was thus deemed my primary love language.
The concept of the five love languages was developed by Gary Chapman more than 30 years ago. In 1992, he authored his popular book, “The Five Love Languages,” which proposed that everyone has one of five ways that they prefer to give and receive affection — receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation or quality time. While the concept has held consistent popularity since its conception, it experienced a resurgence in 2020, when it became a major cultural phenomenon of our generation and a common feature of the Internet diaspora.
Returning to the results of my quiz, if my main love language is physical touch, then love, for me, is felt, not just heard. As explained in the quiz, “loving touches communicate love, safety and belonging in a way that words often cannot.”
But, at least to a certain extent, that’s just the truth of human communication. We send and receive nonverbal messages constantly (as a communication major, it’s been drilled into me that you “cannot not communicate,” as even a lack of intentional messaging is a message in and of itself). Physical contact is one of the many ways in which we connect with each other every day. It’s an incredibly important facet of interpersonal connection, and by nature, it supersedes what can be transmitted through words alone. While everyone’s comfort level regarding physical touch is different, it remains true that touch lets us communicate with each other beyond what words allow.
The quiz is predictable in the same way as a “Harry Potter” Hogwarts house quiz — it’s easy to guess the direction in which each option is leading you. When prompted to choose what is most meaningful to you — a partner surprising you with a gift or a partner saying “I’m proud of you” — you’re blatantly choosing between receiving gifts and words of affirmation. In other words, it’s not an exact science.
Maybe your primary love language is acts of service because, for you, “actions speak louder than words.” But again, that’s just an inherent characteristic of human interaction. Some things can only be shown and not told, just as some things — the love language of words of affirmation — can only be told and not shown.
We have all of these different modes of communication for a reason — we simply cannot convey the full range of ourselves, our thoughts and our emotions without any single one of them. We are subconscious experts of messaging. Socially, we have an innate understanding of how and when to use different techniques to display our affection. Perhaps it’s true that some people gravitate toward certain methods more than others do, but we need them all.
You can express gratitude, for example, uniquely through each love language. You can give someone a hug, tell them how much you appreciate them, buy them flowers, take care of an errand for them or spend time together. While the basic message of “thank you” is conveyed through every method, the implicit subtleties are vastly different. That’s why we have and need them all — we use love languages in different ways with different people in different situations.
At the end of the day, the fact that we’re sharing our love and affection is more important than the way in which we go about it. But, just one or two love languages isn’t enough to paint the whole picture — whether or not we realize it, we use all five love languages to strengthen our relationships on a daily basis.
Sometimes, the words “I’m happy to see you” just don’t hit the way a really good hug or a kiss on the forehead does. Sometimes, a souvenir doesn’t mean as much as the simple words “I miss you.” Sometimes, picking up groceries for you on the way home wouldn’t feel as special as a bouquet of flowers. Sometimes, taking a walk together doesn’t cut it in the same way that taking care of the dishes would. Sometimes, an arm around your shoulders isn’t enough compared to a couple of hours watching a movie together.
Sometimes words are enough; Sometimes you need something more.
Written by: Molly Thompson — mmtthompson@ucdavis.edu
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