The people aren’t ready for spray-on shoes yet
By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
There was once a little engineer who loved math so much that he committed to UC Davis with hopes and dreams of all the math he would be doing in his engineering classes. In the beginning, he excelled in all of his classes, and all of the other engineers watched in awe as he messed up the curve for every exam that they took. Most engineers dislike these prerequisites for the very reason that this little engineer loved them — math. Even worse, this little engineer loved math and chemistry theory so much that he was the perfect candidate for the chemical engineering major.
This little engineer was at the top of his game, watching all of his classmates fall behind relative to him in their classes. Everyone envied how quickly he was able to learn the theory without sacrificing his personal hygiene. He would waltz into lecture, freshly showered, and show everyone up every single day. To make matters worse, this little engineer had a social life, too. There wasn’t anything that he couldn’t do.
That is, until he made it to his more advanced engineering classes. As he progressed in the major, the classes started to become less theoretical and more hands-on. This is when he hit that metaphorical bump in the road. All of his engineering friends were excited to experiment with different creations, such as a new toothpaste. Exciting stuff.
However, the little engineer fell short. He could never come up with any ideas like his classmates could. His projects became stale and boring, and he slowly started to succumb to the idea that he wasn’t going to be a record-breaking chemical engineer. None of his friends would say it, but the little engineer could feel their judgemental stares in the lab.
So, this little engineer decided that he was going to take matters into his own hands. He pulled several all-nighters — forgoing the showering — to reach his ideological potential. Several equations were written down and scratched out, and chemicals were in all sorts of places. However, it was all worth it, because he knew that his new project would shock the world. And if not the world, then maybe his classmates.
The little engineer made a plan to break into the lab late at night (while the idea was still fresh) and complete the project by moonlight. The devious nature of this plan made him all the more excited to complete his project. When it was done, the little engineer was ecstatic to try it out, since he had never created something so cool before. What could be cooler than spray-on shoes?
He pointed that bad boy at his grimy, little unshowered toes and suddenly, shoes took form around his feet. A wave of happiness washed over him as he began to stumble around in his new shoes. This little engineer normally preferred his running shoes with sweet arch support, but he was warming up to the spray-on shoes. Unfortunately, this wasn’t a good sign, because that meant that the chemicals were seeping into his skin, and he was having a negative reaction.
At first, it felt like a manageable burning sensation — just mildly concerning. However, he held off from calling for help because he didn’t want to get into any trouble. This seemed like a good plan at the time, because the burning sensation wore off, and he started to feel fine. That is, until he started feeling the mental effects of the chemicals. Suddenly, he was really dizzy and seeing stars everywhere he looked. At first, he attributed the stars to the night sky, but after a while, it became apparent that there was a serious problem.
The little engineer spent the night roaming the UC Davis campus, looking for a way out of this predicament. However, there was no solution to be found. The little engineer found comfort in running and screaming into the darkness, since he knew that no one could hear him.
There was a loud thud as the little engineer hit the ground. Next to his head was the legendary food hole on Mrak Hall lawn. So, when he crashed, the little engineer dreamt of large chickens and all of the food he could ever imagine. At one point (he thought he was still dreaming), he saw Chancellor Gary May running full force at him from Mrak Hall.
Later, the little engineer would learn that it was, in fact, Gary May running at him — he was the one who called the paramedics. Once the little engineer was feeling okay again, he was required to formally apologize to the university and promise to never create experimental chemicals ever again.
Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
