Shaq said it was okay
By ALLISON KELEHER — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
I was biking to class the other day at a leisurely pace when — BAM! I collided with an electric scooter. I’d like to say that I’m sorry, but it definitely wasn’t my fault. This electric scooter was manned by a very tall UC Davis basketball player who clearly didn’t know anything about the speed limit. As I lay on the ground in pain, I looked up to see this athlete gazing down at me in his basketball tracksuit.
“Are you okay?” he asked. I hadn’t decided yet if I wanted to be mad or not, so I thought for a second before answering.
“Yeah, I’m okay.”
“Okay, good, you know this isn’t my fault,” the basketball player insisted.
I was blown away by his ability to deflect blame so quickly. I think he noticed that I was surprised, because he quickly clarified with an “Oh, I’m not talking about you; I’m talking about the scooter.”
This was when I got the unprompted explanation about the basketball team’s ongoing petition to get new electric scooters from the school. Apparently, it’s common for basketball players to run into people with their electric scooters. They can’t help it. After so many collisions, they were sat down by someone in management to have a talk about safety. This was when the basketball team decided that it wasn’t their fault; it was the scooter’s fault.
The problem is, the scooters are too short for these shawtys. The basketball team has an average height of about seven feet, so when they step onto their tiny scooters, they are so far above the controls that it’s difficult to direct the scooter. They must bend over to reach the handlebars, meaning that nothing is in their line of sight — including me, on my bike. If we’re ignoring the fact that they are still going 20 miles per hour on their scooters, this alone might be a safety issue.
Following the very long and in-depth explanation of the situation, I was enlisted to sign the basketball team’s official petition for brand new electric scooters that were taller to fit their height specifications. I was surprised by this request, since I still had marks on my pants from the asphalt I just fell on.
He could sense my apprehension, because he followed up his request with the words “Shaq has signed it.”
This blew my mind. Shaquille O’Neal, incoming general manager of the Sacramento State basketball team, has signed this stupid petition. Apparently, he understands the needs of those taller than 6 feet, 5 inches. Obviously, I had to sign the petition.
Following my signature, the basketball player continued to complain about his current electric scooter. Some of the problems listed included that it takes forever to charge, there’s no bell and it only goes up to 20 miles per hour. Clearly, these athletes are living in squalor.
Or, at least, they are in comparison to the Shaq State team, since they have top-of-the-line electric scooters. No expense was spared for the Shaq team. They might have to tighten the budget a bit, but it’s necessary if they want to keep Shaq happy.
One of my sources tells me that Shaq is a very demanding person to work for. Shaq State is a wreck trying to keep up with all of his requests. One of his first demands was that all doors must fit his specifications, or he won’t walk through them. Then, among other things, he got the Shaq State team a fleet of new electric scooters so that they wouldn’t have to lift a toe on their way to class.
The UC Davis team heard about these luxury accommodations and is extremely jealous. Now, it’s only fair that we pressure the school to give more money to the athletics department as a way to measure up to Shaq.
Written by: Allison Keleher — adkeleher@ucdavis.edu
Disclaimer: (This article is humor and/or satire, and its content is purely fictional. The story and the names of “sources” are fictionalized.)
