Spring is here, which means its time to start using the Quad again. The muddy puddles of winter are finally gone! As overjoyed as I am that I can once more diagonally tread across the grass in suede shoes, I can’t help but feel a little uneasy about using the Quad during the spring.
Sure, the sunshine and warm temperatures make the Quad appear as a kind of springtime oasis away from suffocating classrooms devoid of light. But the Quad also has a seedy underbelly that only appears when temperatures hit 75. Just wait until you hear about the dark side of the Quad, a place that leads to drug use, sex, violence and under-the-table money deals!
I’ve been told by inside sources that the Quad can make thousands of people dependent on drugs. I don’t have allergies though, so I don’t know the exact degree of addiction. But I’ve been told by the sufferers it’s pretty bad. Once that grass starts growing and that wacky Davis flora begins to bloom, the hell begins. Allergies can turn our once happy well-adjusted friends into allergic pill-poppers who continue to complain all the time about their watery eyes, their runny noses. Friends don’t let their allergic friends go anywhere near the Quad.
People with allergies aren’t the only ones who are suffering. Although this event happens more often by the Arboretum, it also happens on the Quad, in full view of bystanders: duck rape. If you haven’t seen a duck rape yet, trust me, it’s pretty horrifying. The poor female ducks of the UC Davis campus get gang-banged by a multitude of male ducks. Even though I’ve witnessed it countless times, I’m still shocked to see all those Donalds and Daffys doing that to those poor Daisys. Every time I witness a duck rape, I want to call the crisis line at the Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence Center. Then I remember that they only cover actual emergencies. Someone needs to do something though. These male ducks don’t realize that Quack means No.
But then I feel a little torn in my crusade against these atrocities that happen on the Quad. Without these horrible actions, we wouldn’t have baby ducks. Adorable baby ducks are our nation’s greatest resource. If we gave a baby duck to every world leader, there would be no more war. I think if scientists looked hard enough, they would discover that baby duck’s cuteness could cure cancer. Baby ducks are a panacea for everything. Baby ducks are so great that they… wait, I’m supposed to be writing about the underbelly of the Quad. Sorry about that, my mind kind of drifts when I start thinking about baby ducks. They’re just too adorable. Seriously, I could watch them waddle around for an hour. Stop it, Rachel. I must overcome the power of the baby ducks to finish the column…
What is the only danger on the Quad that poses a greater threat to our moral fiber than allergies and duck rape? That’s right, Frisbee players. The sun comes out and the Frisbee players suddenly appear in gangs. I don’t know where these people come from and how they’re actually organized enough to play a game of Frisbee, but they’re there. And once they’re out there playing, I can’t walk on the Quad for fear of getting hit in the head by a renegade disc.
Seriously, who are these people that bring a Frisbee in their backpacks to school everyday? I’ve got this theory that the Frisbee players aren’t actually playing Frisbee for fun. I’m pretty sure that the university hires people to play Frisbee so when high schoolers and parents are going on a tour of the campus, the people on tour see the happy coeds playing Frisbee on the Quad. When parents see how wholesome the Quad Frisbee players are, they tell their children, You’re going to UC Davis, Junior. I don’t even know how much money UC Davis is raking in from those Frisbee players.
RACHEL SKYTT plans to write an exposé about acorn hoarding. If you know any squirrels with inside information, tell them to e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org.