The time-delay between the writing and publication of these columns leads to some interesting situations. Today, for example, you’re probably reading an article written by a dead guy. I’m typing this out on Tuesday night, making tomorrow Wednesday, Apr. 2. More importantly, this means Giacomo Casanova turns 283, Sir Alec Guiness hits 94 and I’ll turn 21. Finally.
Plans are already in place for a proper weeknight celebration – I’ll spare you the gory details, suffice to say I’m starting at 12:01 with a six-pack from Safeway and it’s hiccups and hangovers from there. Quite frankly, I’ll be almost disappointed if I live through the night, especially considering the outrageous amounts of free drinks the local bars offer for birthdays.
While I would never advocate drinking to excess, there’s no denying that some of the best stories are generated by a solid night of inebriation. Without my fateful friend John Courage, it’s unlikely I’d spend an entire night proposing to random people. Armed with a comically oversized fake plastic ring from Disneyland, I bent a knee to anyone who’d stand still. And only a beverage-induced bout of inspired genius could have led to the epic Viking funeral (complete with cardboard ship and flaming mast) our departed lizard buddy Duke Ellington received. Of course, without a little liquid icebreaker I would probably have spent a lot less time involved in public urination and/or Technicolor yawning.
With a track record like mine, it’s hard not to have a few regrets. Thanks largely to all this pesky schooling that’s been interfering with my college experience, I’ve missed some opportunities. I’m ever the pragmatist, however, so as my final act I’m leaving what little knowledge I’ve gleaned for the people who need it the most: the freshmen.
I’m certain everyone’s using MyUCDavis; it’s hard to function without it. But are you using Siscast? It’ll plot your schedule for you. If you need to know anything about anything Davis, the Daviswiki and Ratemyprofessor.com are eerily knowledgeable. And I’d recommend rTunes and BitTorrent if you’re running short on tunes and cash, but that would be illegal.
Get other free stuff! Spring is here, and there are dozens of organizations that desperately want your membership. More importantly, they’re willing to brazenly bribe you with food and drink. Believe it or not, no one will take attendance – gather, gorge and get outta there. T-shirts are around, in varying degrees of zero dollars. Aggie Pack shirts: free. IM Sport shirts: free. Bloodsource shirts: one pint of A-positive, please. It’s similar to free, but with more bleeding. Got lab classes? I could never condone requesting dorm dishes from the dispensary, but they don’t exactly check ID. Wash the bajeezus out of them first, though. Please don’t die.
Be active! It’s spring now, time to lift yourselves out of the winter doldrums. The ARC is the sweetest gym you’ll ever see, and you’re paying for it regardless. Don’t like exercise routines? PhysEd is amazing. Last spring I got my SCUBA certification, and even my editor’s got time for some bowling this quarter. Combine the PE program with Outdoor Adventures’ trips for a rockin’ time that’ll get you the heck out of Davis for a bit.
Take classes that aren’t in your major, aren’t for GEs and won’t even give you course credit. Otherwise, you’ll go insane. Thanks to AVS 15, I can honestly say I’ve held a great horned owl with a glove, and History of Rock and Roll is on the docket for next year. But don’t forget to look outside the course catalog: I learned to screen-print my own shirts at the craft center last year, and if you’ve never taken an Experimental College class you should be ashamed of yourself.
Please. Get out there. Meet people. Have fun. You’ve only got so much college, and the degree isn’t everything. Do it for me.
CADE GRUNST would like to remind everyone out there to live every week like it’s Shark Week. Eulogize him at email@example.com. XXX