After seeing a poodle-golden-wiener-dog in the park, I got this great idea: Let’s domesticate penguins and hippopotamuses. It’ll be fun. You can keep them in your backyard (which, I’m sure, is close enough to their natural habitat that they won’t even notice) and leave out a bowl of the same kibble year after year while you’re at work or at school. They’ll be jumping at the door by the time you get home, and of course, what else could that mean but, “I love you?” It couldn’t mean anything else – not, “thank goodness, I’m going to get my one walk of the day.” Or, “thank goodness, finally some stimulation. I have no friends or family.” Or, “please, please, kill me.” I think it’s safe to assume they love you wholeheartedly.
To make things even more fun, we can breed them so that we have ridiculously small hippos the size of shoes and penguins which can do tricks for us. You can name your penguin Tuxedo, dress him up in a mini-tux and have him waddle around and spin on the floor during dinner parties. I’m sure he loves wearing clothes. Why wouldn’t he? I like to wear clothes, and humans know everything, so I’m sure a stupid penguin loves it. Besides, he looks so gosh-darn cute. As for the tiny hippo, you can name him Walter and put him in a fish bowl near the television. Once in a while you can take him out and put him on the floor, or tap on the glass, or just prod him with your fingers, which is so much fun for everyone. He loves being prodded.
It’s unfortunate that most of the time you’re too busy to play with them – but that’s okay. I’m sure Walter loves being in his fish tank, and it’s obvious that Tuxedo loves spending most of the day in an empty house. It’s not like animals are capable of feeling boredom or loneliness. No, of course not. The only thing pets are capable of feeling is unadulterated love for their owners. Just look at dogs and cats. They love humans. Look at the way Sparky runs to you when you open the door, the way he licks your face. It’s obvious he prefers you over his own species. It’s obvious he doesn’t associate you with food and safety and comfort. Of course not – it’s genuine love at its purest. Nothing like Stockholm syndrome.
At the end of the day, what’s so great about animals is how stupid they are. Around here, aside from guide dogs, pets are just for fun. Pets are purchasable, retarded friends who can never complain. Play with them when you feel like it, but don’t worry about them the rest of the time. Go to lunch, go to class and I’m sure Tuxedo and Walter won’t even realize you were gone. Even if they could feel bored, they will amuse each other. That’s why having multiple pets is great: When you’re not playing with them, they’re playing together. It’s a flawless setup.
What’s also great about pets is that you can kill and eat them if you get bored of them. After Tuxedo loses his novelty, why tolerate his presence? Why let Walter live after he stinks up the house and stops being fun? An unloved pet is no better than an unloved slaughterhouse pig, and we eat pigs by the bushel, so why treat pets any different? It’s not like all dog owners are vegetarians, so what’s the big whoop? Just because you were once emotionally attached to Walter doesn’t give him a bigger claim to life than a cow at a slaughterhouse. And it’s not like Tuxedo is smarter or more loveable than a pig. Have you seen a piglet? They’re adorable. I’m sure I could love a piglet were I to live with one, but the thing is that pet pigs aren’t nearly as available as pork chops.
So let’s do it. Let the freak breeding begin. I want a manatee who will sing to me in the shower while a purple skunk ass-sprays cologne into my face. It isn’t necessary. I don’t have time to treat these animals like sentient beings. But so what? It’ll be fun.
There was this T-shirt I saw in Las Vegas in a buffet line, and it said, “I didn’t claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables!” That is so true. I toiled long and hard to get to where I am, killed thousands of vicious animals with my bare fists. I deserve this. I don’t need to change. I do what I want. And I do what I want because I can.
Isn’t that the best justification for anything?
KOJI FRAHM treats his pets like retarded human siblings – not like babies, not like creatures, not like toys. Address your love to firstname.lastname@example.org.