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Davis, California

Saturday, November 27, 2021

Picnic Day!

I’m sure you already know, UC Davisites, that Picnic Day is just around the corner! Time to get your flasks, your bota bags and your Nalgene bottles ready. But before you get too drunk on that hallowed day, I suggest you go to the ARC Pavilion to see the Doxie Derby.

The Doxie Derby is pretty much the greatest sporting event of the entire year (even better than the Super Bowl or whatever the final game for basketball is called, I really don’t know). The Doxie Derby pits dachshunds against each other in an all-out, free-for-all race. Hundreds of humans cheer in the stands. The event features big screen instant replays and commemorative t-shirts. I’m pretty sure the Doxie Derby is one of the few sporting events in the world that offers dachshunds the chance to achieve TOTAL DOMINATION (ation-ation-ation).

I think the reason I have such a great appreciation for the Doxie Derby is due to the fact that it is currently the closest we’ve come to having real-life Pokémon battles. Think about it, the Doxie Derby is all about cute little animals battling to become “the very best, the best there ever was.” Unfortunately, Doxie Derby dachshunds do not yet possess amazing Pokémon powers. If only there were a way to give dachshunds some sort of fire breathing capability or the ability to do razor leaf. I’m looking at you, UC Davis scientists.

Every time I read a science article in the newspaper or in National Geographic, some scientist from UC Davis is quoted. This leads me to conclude that UC Davis scientists possess awesome animal science power. DavisWiki told me that UC Davis is one of the few places where cats can have kidney transplants. I’ve also heard that UC Davis also performs canine blood transfusions. We have the power. We have the ability. Do you really want to impress the world, UC Davis scientists? Use your scientific powers for good. Make me a Pokémon.

Sure, I’ve heard that there are some arguments against genetic engineering. I know people freaked out when scientists made that mouse with what appeared to be a human ear on its little mouse back. I don’t want scientists to make freakish mutated animals; I want some kind of Pokémon that can protect me while I walk back to my car late at night. These genetically engineered Poké-animals would have a real purpose. Just think how much more effective Pokémon would be than pepper spray or tasers. Watch out attempted rapists, I’m going to sic my powerfully trained Pokémon on you.

Maybe some of you aren’t convinced. Just wait, I’ll convince you yet. The creation of genetically engineered Pokémon would also aid our flagging economy. Argument: people make money off of cockfighting. Conclusion: people could also make money from fighting Pokémon.

I do think it is important to know when to draw the line. I will tell you now that I am not an advocate of engineering old school mythological animals. I think that is far too dangerous. If some scientist makes a unicorn, every person in America will want to ride on these now real animals at least once. But think of the consequences. If that unicorn trips, riders are going to get their eyes poked out. Everyone in America will be half-blind. That is just not practical. And it’s bad for the economy.

I am also against the development of dragons. I think that dragons are too similar to dinosaurs and we don’t need a Jurassic Park: UC Davis situation on our hands. Again, that would be bad for the economy.

I have a feeling that it will be quite some time until scientists start making anything close to a Pokémon. I guess I’ll just have to settle for regular dachshunds. Even if they don’t have lightning powers.

 

If you’re into non-dachshund related Picnic Day activities, RACHEL SKYTT recommends going to Battle of the Bands. Go, Band-uh! Send your Picnic Day recommendations to raskytt@ucdavis.edu.

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