A few weeks ago, I ventured over to the post office to show an out-of-towner Davis’ infamous Toad Tunnel. I was surprised to discover that someone had put tiny, toad-sized solar panels onto the roofs of the toad houses. A little toad sign claimed that the toads had “gone green.”
I didn’t know toads could be so environmentally conscious. Upon further inspection, however, I found that although the toads had “gone green,” they were kind of slacking off. I found no evidence of toad recycling bins, nor did I see a single toad compost heap. Come to think of it, I didn’t even see any toads.
Oh Davis, you’re so obsessively fanatical about being “green,” I can hardly stand it sometimes. What are you trying to tell me? If invisible toads can be environmentally friendly, I should be too, right? Guess what? I already know. You really don’t have to resort to Soviet-esque Toad Tunnel propaganda to pressure me into recycling, reducing and reusing. I get it.
I might not be a patchouli-scented hippie, but I try to do my part. I turn off the water when I brush my teeth. I try to take short showers. I walk. Sometimes. Of course, walking is not just about reducing the amount of carbon emissions in the atmosphere, but also about reducing the size of my ass (don’t be obese, America!).
I also recycle as much as I can. All of my plastic water bottles end up in the recycling bin. I do feel bad about buying bottled water, because it seems like such a waste of plastic, but what can you do? If only Davis water didn’t taste like death and calcium. I know some of you are thinking, why doesn’t Rachel just get a Brita water filter? Well, I already tried that. And the water still tasted like death and calcium. I mean, really it was still that bad. So don’t try to guilt-trip me.
At least I don’t get plastic bags from the supermarket anymore. I take a canvas bag. Did you know if you bring your own bag, it saves you a nickel? It’s amazing! I know that the reward of saving the earth should be enough, but a little monetary compensation makes it so much better.
That being said, I’ll admit that it pisses me off when someone else is profiting from my recycling that I am too lazy to take to the recycling center to get my California redemption money.
I first witnessed the Bottle Lady rummaging through my recycling a couple of weeks ago. She plucked out what she wanted and then headed across the street to another recycling bin. When she finished with that bin, she moved on to the recycling bin next door.
I began to see her several times a week, going through all of the recycling bins on my street.
Why does the Bottle Lady take so much care to visit my part of town? Probably because my street is inhabited by several alcoholic bros who go through quite a few whiskey bottles and beer cans each week. Bottle Lady is raking in the nickels by stealing all of our recyclables. My street is her personal El Dorado.
My roommate suggested that we put a sign on our recycling bin to stop the Bottle Lady from taking our bottles and cans. However, we realized that this was probably a bad idea because Bottle Lady is a recycling warlord and she would probably send her minion to do something to our house if we tried to resist (that’s right, Bottle Lady’s got an actual minion. I’m assuming this minion is her husband or someone she bought for 200 soda cans in some sort of underground recycling human trafficking deal).
I realize that I could take my recycling to the recycling center before Bottle Lady gets her hands on it, but like I said before, I’m lazy. I don’t want to lug recycling all the way over there to get 45 cents. What can you buy for 45 cents anyway? 1/645 gallon of gas. That’s what.
RACHEL SKYTT agrees with Kermit the Frog. It’s not easy being green. Tell Rachel which Muppet philosophy you agree with by sending her an e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.