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Davis, California

Tuesday, April 23, 2024

Sorry, not interested

There are crushes in life that are extremely impossible (more so than usual). The never-in-your-life-should-you-or-even-could pursue this person kind, where you have absolutely no chance whatsoever due to the fact that they probably don’t even know who you are and that it can be seen as “wrong,” such as: your mother’s best friend, your TA/professor or that guy in HR that is like, 16 years older than you.

But, what do you know – it happens. Why not? It’s harmless and plus, you’d never realistically go for it. The only thing you’d need to avoid is getting caught. Not only is it embarrassing, but the results could be devastating depending on the relation you have with the person (i.e., leave Mrs. Robinson alone, most of the time she’ll just hate you).

Don’t be too obvious, otherwise your cover is blown. And this is not restricted to the person you directly have the crush on. Sometimes, the people around you can sense that you care a little too much about so-and-so.

I remember there was this female temp at my work who shared an office with a male coworker of mine. I didn’t really know what sort of shenanigans went on between them, but whatever it was, it wasn’t mutual.

A few days after she left, I remember one of our other coworkers mentioning her husband. Poor guy seemed so stunned he asked out loud, “Her husband?! She never said anything about a husband…?” in a tone that screamed, “I’m trying to sound indifferent but damn it, woman, answer the f-ing question!”

I told him I didn’t know either, but I knew she had some sort of long-term boyfriend. This didn’t seem to calm him any as he just walked out of the room and came back a few seconds later yelling, “Then why haven’t I seen her with a wedding ring!!?!”

After that incident, it was pretty known to everyone that the temp stole more than boxes of binder clips – she also took my coworker’s heart. Aw! (Although I just found out that he filed for disability because of “emotional distress.” All this time I thought it was because he got a case of carpal tunnel).

Indulge in your fantasies because it sure ain’t as hell happening in real life, sorry. The problem I have when daydreaming though is that I throw in too many goals in there because I figure, eh, might as well.

These aren’t really fantastical, but they are certainly unrealistic. Especially when it comes to thinking about my English TA; I start adding all types of academia-related wishes.

For example, a simple fantasy about confessing my love to him and receiving a positive reaction would later end up in him saying something like, “Oh Lynn, besides being in love with you, I’d also like to offer you a $150 gift certificate to Banana Republic, a full reimbursement for all your textbooks and a paid internship! Did I also mention the reimbursement part!?”

Watch the tone because a simple question like, “Do you have any children?” to your professor can sound more scheming than anything.

A friend of mine, who will remain nameless (Thuy), had this big ol’ fat crush on her history professor. She came into his office hours one day and to her dismay, spotted a tiny picture of his wife and children.

At first, she tried to appear cool and unobtrusive when she asked, “Oh, haha, is that your sister and her children or something?”

When he said that it was actually in fact his wife and their children, she dug herself a grave when her questions started to escalate into the creepy zone: “You’re married? I didn’t peg you as the marrying type. I mean, you just look like you have a lot of options. Ah well, that’s OK – I have a boyfriend myself but I’m not very happy. You just take what you can get, right? Until something better comes along of course, haha. Tell me, are you happy with your marriage? I mean, just in general. Is that weird to ask? You don’t have to answer that, I’m stupid. No I’m not, yes I am, what are we talking about?”

After that, she told me he just sort of gathered his belongings, grabbed the picture on the desk and walked out of his office leaving her sitting there. In my opinion, that’s like half a score!

 

LYNN LA would like to tell all good-looking professors and TAs to not be turned off from students who are infatuated. They’re just lonely and you’re just looking to avoid a lawsuit. Win, win? Agree with her at ldla@ucdavis.edu.

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