OK, it’s true – life’s a little lonely. When my two roommates‘ boyfriends come to Davis for the weekend, me and my other roommates just sit and eat Goldfishes in front of the TV (“Gossip Girl“, how I love thee!) while the two couples make out right next to us. It’s sort of awkward, especially when you’re sandwiched in-between them, but at least they conserve space by sitting on each other’s laps. Sometimes when it gets too crowded, all four of them just stack up on one other. They like to call it the “Leaning Tower of Observe-How-You’ll-Die-Alone-Unlike-Us.“
But when I’m not crying myself to sleep and lamenting over the fact that no one would ever love a sad bastard like me, I sometimes think the single life’s not all that bad. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself over and over again right before I get up in the morning.
I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who are single and don’t know how good they have it. Actually, I don’t know if “good” is the right word – maybe “mildly well-off” is a more accurate term. I mean, so what if we have no one to share our lives with? So what if we live out our daily lives isolated and alone? So what if Dean Martin tells you that you’re nobody ’til somebody loves you? We have so many other things going for us, like the fact that…
We don’t have to spend a lot of money on going out and buying gifts. I always find it amusing when I get tricked into third-wheelin‘ and when it comes time to opening our wallets, my wallet is filled with so much more cash than the others. It’s like I’m practically made out of money. In fact, I have so much money, I’m at a total loss when it comes to how to spend it.
To help combat this horrible affliction, I sometimes go to the mall and pretend I’m my own boyfriend. I buy a “gift” for my girlfriend, wrap it up and then give it to myself two days later. After that, I obviously have to go shopping for my boyfriend and show my appreciation since he just got me a gift.
This endless cycle of wrapping and opening up gifts gives me a profound sense of self-love and endless amount of stiletto heels. But be sure to open these presents alone. I hate it when my sister comes in and ruins my delusions. Especially when she picks up and reads a tag and asks something stupid like, “To: Lynn, From: Ramone the Italian Stallion. Who the hell is Ramone? And why are you sitting alone in the dark, crying with all these gifts around you? I’m going to tell mom that you’re making up boyfriends again.“
We own 100 percent of our pets as in we don’t have to share ownership with anyone else. (I didn’t mean to imply that non-single people buy pets that are only 36 percent “complete” or something.) Some couples like to symbolize their relationship by buying a puppy or something, and then have no real intentions of taking care of it. It’s amusing to watch them buy a real-life animal on impulse, but it’s even more amusing when the couple breaks up.
Take my co-worker for example. He’s going through this bitter custody battle over a Labrador with his ex-girlfriend. He knows that the only reason why she’s fighting for it is because she’s so bitter. See, this is exactly why both Kanye and I told you to always ask for a prenup. It’s something that you need to have ‘cause when she leaves yo‘ ass, she’s gon‘ leave with half. And if you’re not careful, she might just take the legs only. And then eat them.
Lastly, we don’t have to keep up with appearances. After my friend Lisa split up with her boyfriend, she said one thing she won’t miss is the constant shaving she was obliged to do. Every Friday night she had to go shave her legs, as well as her lady garden, because her boyfriend wouldn’t come near her if she didn’t. Of course now she’s taking it a little too far and now she won’t shave or shower for shit. I mean it’s nice to let loose for a while, but it’s embarrassing when she’s out with us and she starts braiding her leg hair whenever things get idle. It gets more awkward for everybody when flies land on her face and she’s too out of it to shoo them off. We just stand there and throw money at her.
LYNN LA notes that others may get better looking when they’re single because they have to appear dateable. That’s why her friends who are in relationships are so ugly (and don’t forget poor). E-mail your lies about why you like being single at firstname.lastname@example.org.