It’s been a few years since Aggie readers have gotten their horoscope readings, so as an almost-end-of-the-year gift, I will grace you with my mystical interpretation of this month’s solar movements.
Aries, Fire, Mar. 21 to Apr. 19. The stars tell me that the economy is making you emo, but please, don’t give in and max out that GAP card. You’ll regret spending on all those fancy things you can’t afford when you remember that you’re a broke ass student.
Taurus, Earth, Apr. 20 to May 20. Don’t let the summer months take the best of you – sometimes you turn into a couch potato and the heat won’t help that. It’s possibly time to take that sculpture class at the Experimental College you’ve been meaning to try out.
Gemini, Air, May 21 to June 20. The more you let your dual personality run your life, the less you will be able to do during your special month. Breathe everything in, write, travel and learn from others. You govern the molecules of air. Oh, and don’t listen to Chris Rock, you’re not going to “die twice.”
Cancer, Water, June 21 to July 22. It’s a mixed bag, take a surprise opportunity, and try not to be the whiny bitch that you so typically are most months. Your queasiness to the changing weather is unattractive and you’re not going to get laid with that kind of attitude.
Leo, Fire, July 23 to Aug. 21. You’re the sexiest sign, and you rule everything you can see. But be careful not to get your arm sore from patting yourself on the back – keep your eyes peeled for an erotic surprise, maybe from other sexy signs, like Libra or Scorpio.
Virgo, Earth, Aug. 23 to Sept. 22. Hey virgin, find every scrap of paper you’ve been making lists on and compile them into one succinct agenda. You are organized for the most part, but stay focused and get ‘er done. Oh, and keep your nails clean while you’re at it.
Libra, Air, Sept. 23 to Oct. 22. You know how to balance your needs with those of others – consider moving into the Co-ops next year, and you’ll likely find generosity in friends. You’re ready for that mutual housing, composting, dinners around the campfire lifestyle.
Scorpio, Water, Oct. 23 to Nov. 21. The sexual drive you try so hard to restrain is eating you alive. Its complexity is something you can both use advantageously and dangerously, so be cautious. Just take it out on a sexy fire sign, maybe like LEO.
Sagittarius, Fire, Nov. 22 to Dec. 21. An Archer you are, but look closely before you shoot, especially since it’s bound to turn into a family feud. There is a large possibility that you’ll find romance in an unexpected place this month, which would happen anyway since you’re the Renaissance (wo)man.
Capricorn, Earth, Dec. 22 to Jan. 19. If you’re a graduating senior, gee whiz, you’re off to a great start making mad skrills at some startup company in the Yay Area. Go career (wo)man!
Aquarius, Air, Jan. 20 to Feb. 18. You’re most likely a philosophy, classics or linguistics major. You control the ankles, if you yadidimean (sexually!). If you’re not being optimistic about persevering through the last few weeks, keep your chin up.
Pisces, Water, Feb. 19 to Mar. 20. Hey little fishies, you’ve got to understand fact from fiction. Next time you look at gas prices, maybe you should accept that global warming is real, turn your car around and trade it in for a bike.
NICOLE L. BROWNER is picking up an astrology major in summer sessions at the Experimental College. Sike. Her readings suck, so send your complaints to firstname.lastname@example.org.