It’s been a fun year being a columnist, all. I’ve enjoyed pounding out these columns of mine every Monday night, mere hours before I had to go in and edit. I kind of like having a byline and getting my picture in the paper. I’ve appreciated the whopping fortune of the $1 per column-inch that I’m paid. Yes, being a columnist is pretty sweet, and I’m pretty thankful that it’s another line to put in my resume. But mostly, the thing I have cherished the most as a columnist has been every single nanosecond that I’ve spent with my amazing editor, Eddie Lee.
Yes, I’m sure that many fellow UC Davis students have heartwarming tales to tell about the legend that is Eddie Lee. First of all, he is awesome. I am not quite sure why, but he commissioned me to write this column, and so I am obliged to add in other useless adjectives that make him sound good. For example, I have tentative plans to use the word “super” at least twice in the next few paragraphs, and also the phrase “explosively fun.”
Also, Eddie Lee is graduating. You may not know it yet, but the lives of all UC Davis students and faculty will soon change. There will be a spot of darkness where once lay a bright sunbeam of hope. There will be half-empty glasses of crappy vodka where there were once glasses half-full of that super-amazing delicious drink that you had on that night that you no longer remember.
In short, the joy in our lives will soon be taken away from us.
I think that everyone reading this should take a moment to consider the gravity of the situation. Have you met Eddie Lee yet? No? Well, he is rather unremarkable in both size and stature, but let me tell you – he is a super cool individual. He is also kind and inhumanly generous. For example, when I took a class with him, he would make a point to come and keep me company even though he consistently fell asleep and ended up drooling on the desk. I vaguely remember having to buy extra Scantrons for him every single time we had a test, but that is irrelevant to the thesis of my column, which I will reiterate once more: Eddie Lee is awesome.
What would the world be without people like Eddie Lee?
I sincerely believe that the world would not be a place worth living in. Why? Because Eddie has magical powers and is the only thing standing between us and apocalyptic nuclear war. Without Eddie Lee, it would not be safe to raise your children in this society. There would be no one to edit offensive and potentially brain-destroying content in The California Aggie’s columns and cartoons.
I think that we will all be sad to see the class of 2008 go. They go before us, glorious warriors sharpening their swords and straightening their helmets for the battle that is the real world. We stand on the sidelines as they parade across One Shields Avenue in clouds of blue and gold confetti. We clasp our hands in admiration.
But it is when the gilded Eddie Lee strolls down the streets that we should scream and throw our multi-colored long stem roses. Because Eddie Lee is a leader, a hero and also, he is amazing.
I suppose that by now, you have probably guessed that this will be my last column. Obviously, without the guiding light that is Eddie Lee, I cannot possibly continue writing columns for The Aggie. The constant reminder of his absence would just be far too heartbreaking.
Therefore, I would like to say goodbye to all of my dear readers. I know that there are probably about two of you. Dana, thank you for checking the website at 1 a.m. every Wednesday for my column. All of my other friends, thank you for reading my columns once or twice and then lying to me about how you found them funny or enlightening.
If you never got to meet or work with Eddie Lee, then I am very sorry. It should definitely be on everyone’s list of things to do before they die, up there along with doing charity work in a third-world country and learning to speak another language.
Congratulations to the class of 2008. Not only are you finally free, you are graduating with a legend in your midst. You should feel honored.
How many fans does Eddie Lee really have? To join the Eddie Lee Fan Club, e-mail club founder/president TERESA PHAM at firstname.lastname@example.org.