50.3 F

Davis, California

Monday, April 15, 2024

I drink your milkshake!

To celebrate this recent July 4 weekend, I’m dedicating this column to random thoughts, which I suppose means I’m giving a nod to Rob Olson and consequently Thomas Sowell for the inspiration.

I am convinced that Hancock was written and directed by two different people, neither of whom was aware of what the other one was doing. This has not stopped the film from grossing over $100 million; this is a testament to the fact that everyone loves Will Smith.

The Applebees in south Davis has decided that it will have every type of restaurant décor and then some. That said, I would love to meet the interior decorator; anyone who decides a merry-go-round horse is good table dressing is alright in my book.

Tic tacs areartificially flavored mints.I wonder if this disclaimer is to prevent people from claiming that they are actually naturally flavored mints.

Brett Favre should stay retired. The Packers have essentially moved on, bringing him back now would be disruptive and counterproductive. Consequently, they should ask him to stay where he is; coming back and playing for another team would tarnish his career.

A New York judge ordered Google to turn over YouTube user information to Viacom as part of an ongoing lawsuit; is Viacom really surprised that people don’t trust a giant corporation with their personal data?

All the professional golf tournaments happening in the next six to eight months should come with an asterisk in the record books (“*Tiger Woods did not play“).

Sometimes you need to go to another city to really appreciate how good Unitrans is.

Since I imagine most of you don’t watch C-SPAN, you should go to YouTube and look upDavid Addington.This fellow is the Bush Administrations attitude toward everyone else incarnate. I am certain that meetings between Addington and Dick Cheney involve hoods, cloaks and incense.

I feel like the fist bump might overtake the high five in terms of popularity merely because of its numerous nicknames: fist pound, fist thump, terrorist fist jab, knuckle buckle and closed-fist high five, just to name a few. Although if you think about it, a closed-fist high five is really a high five with a closed fist, not a fist jab. My friend and I have taken to performing real closed-fist high fives; let me tell you this is painful.

I thought going a year without cable would be terrible, and it’s actually been quite liberating.

Fun size candies are an oxymoron. Really, they should be called cheaply packaged candies. A fun size candy, in my estimation, would be the size of a car or microscopic; both of those would befunsizes.King sizeis also a misnomer. Any self-respecting monarch would make his chocolate bars any size he damn well pleased, and they would certainly be larger than Hershey’s take on king size.

If Elton Brand signs with the Warriors, it’s proof that irony is alive and well.

Researchers at the Texas A&M Fruit and Vegetable Improvement Center (winner of this week’sbest department nameaward) have said that watermelons will improve your sex life. In the same report however, they warned people not to expectmagicalresults. Can an entire center be described as a tease?

If everyone dressed like The Dude, life would be considerably more relaxed.

Finally, I’d like to thank all firefighters everywhere for their efforts this summer and throughout the year; I thoroughly enjoy not having my apartment consumed by wildfires.


RICHARD PROCTER looks forward to more debates with Jon Gold about candy sizes in the future. E-mail him your thoughts on the subject (how subjective isparty size“?) at rhprocter@ucdavis.edu.


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