Well, friends and neighbors, it looks like another school year has officially begun and once again, I tricked those poor bastards down at The California Aggie to give me another opportunity to spew my words of love all over the face of Tuesday.
Honestly, I am just bubbling with excitement for the new school year. These past three months have felt like the longest summer ever and a lot of shenanigans went down. Some were good, some bad, and most of them humiliating, which is actually different from bad. (Don’t worry; when your life gets to be really lame, you’ll be able to identify all the different levels and nuances of complete suck-dom).
For one thing, I got bangs. I know what you’re thinking, girlfriend: “Oh man, this lady is cer-azy!” I don’t really like it on me, but it’s good that I finally got it out of my system. Unfortunately, someone should have told me you should only get bangs if you have large doe eyes and an affinity for indie music. Not small eyes and a big round face because that officially makes you look like a 12-year-old. I can’t tell you how many disappointed faces I’ve seen on pedophiles after I tell them I’m actually in college.
Every girl has a hair thing they always want to do like getting a perm or dyeing their hair. They talk about it for three months, then stop talking about it, and then one day they pass someone with it and then talk about it some more. For me, it was bangs and only when I got them did I finally understand the enigmatic message my friends all said when I told them what I was planning: “No. Don’t get them. You’ll look really fug.” Before that though, it was like they were speaking another language.
Oh, and then there’s the fact that I turned 21, which means a whole new world has opened up for me and, because I care, I shall share. Most of these nights don’t really end up with me getting “lucky” or anything. In fact, a lot of those nights have me dancing in front of a guy who then immediately raises his hands in the air, head shaking and screaming, “Not this one again, damnit! I just showered before I got here!”
Or the bouncer not so quietly whispering to his buddies after he stamped my hand, “Those have got to be the hairiest arms I have ever seen.” I mean, come on! I already feel insecure enough inside the facility; I don’t really need a prelude at the door, people. Just stamp my Sasquatch hand in silence.
I also got fired from my job that I was “excited” about last year. That’s not supposed to be a joke or anything, so don’t laugh. Actually, it’s more like I got “laid off,” but saying I got fired sounds that much cooler. (Although I’m just realizing now that it also compromises my character by suggesting I’m incompetent in the workforce. Huh, damn). Plus, saying I got laid off sounds like I’m a 40-something who just got let go from a startup company in the Silicon Valley (aka: every Asian person’s uncle or aunt from the Bay).
But never fear my minions, I’m sure a lot of good things will happen too. Like the fact that I get to be here again, nice and cozy on page two. A girl can get used to this – even though it’s my last year in Davis, poop. In any case, I’ll try not to disappoint you guys.
As for the n00bs and/or the people who don’t read me, I’m Lynn Loo La. This is my third year writing this column, even though each column feels like the first time because I’m always scared sh*tless no one will like it and I would have officially moved to the Dude-you’re-so-lame-now zone. I’m an English and political science major hailing from San Jose (hollar!) and I suck at pretty much everything in life.
Some things I don’t suck at, however, include: table tennis, disappointing my parents, paying the rent on time, showering often, and hopefully, entertaining you for at least 10 minutes every Tuesday. It’s a pleasure to meet you.
LYNN LA is glad to be officially done with the summer of her discontent. Now she’s just worried that no one will like her shtuff anymore. E-mail her at email@example.com to tell her how much you can haz cheezburger.