59.9 F

Davis, California

Wednesday, February 21, 2024

Otherwise they’ll kill you

First off, I’d like to apologize for that awful picture of me that appeared last week. I asked to run the same mug from the previous year until I could take a new one, but to my surprise they dug up some random old picture that gave you an intimate look at my flaring nostrils. I’m sorry if any seizures occurred, but loand behold, the situation has been fixed. And look, bangs!

Anyway. Every once in a while, I always hear the same spiel about how us girls areso complicated.And guys always bring up the same evidence like how we complain about our affinity for assholes whilst ignoring the good guys, how we saynobut we really meanyes” (I need to stop hanging out in prisons), or how we don’t really make sense when we get into arguments with our mates, yet we always manage to come out victorious.

I suppose that’s all a front really – we don’t mean to be as enigmatic as we seem, but it sure helps. Being mysterious at a bar when the lights are low increases the chances of looking attractive. (And thank goodness for very dim lighting. The last place I went to, it was brighter than usual and when the bartender turned around, he yelped, threw Everclear on my face, and lit me on fire, screaming,El diablo!”). Thus explaining why I seem to have better luck with guys when I’m inside caves. One, it’s pitch black; two, they have low standards because they are batmen.

Honestly though, we’re quite simple creatures. But for those who need convincing, I’m going to spill some top-secret information about girls.

First, we pretend to care/like/have a general knowledge about a lot of things we really don’t give a shit about. Of course there are exceptions, like athletic girls who have a genuine interest in sports, but for the most part, we care only because you care.

And I’m not talking about specific knowledge (i.e. the science of rainbows and the refraction of light) to impress specific guys (i.e. the leprechaun I dated back in March). We just happen to soak up more than we normally would from all our years of having both male friends and boyfriends. For example: Halo, the L.A. Dodgers, the make and model of your car or motorcycle, and that crappy band you listen to.

Also, there are a lot of things we dread but claim we don’t mind doing. This occurs mostly in relationships, although I’m not denying that guys make a lot of sacrifices too. However, there are a handful of things girls just pretend to enjoy.

I remember one article in Maxim was all about how women secretly enjoy watching pornography all the time, every day, until the day we die or some BS like that. Again, there may be true exceptions. I’m sure there are some girls who sincerely enjoy watchingJohn Smith and Poke-a-hott-ass III,but for the most part, we just think it’s eh. I know what you’re saying,No Lynn, seriously though – my girlfriend really enjoys it.Yeah, well she doesn’t.

It’s not like she detests it either, but she’d probably rather watch an old episode ofFriendsdespite the fact that she’s seen it a gazillion times already (TOW the Embryos is classic), than see another one of your blasted pervert movies.

Throw in wearing thongs too. During the first months of going out, it seems like lingerie is all your girl owns … then all of the sudden the sexy undies start to disappear and violà, grandma panties galore (and say buh-bye to shaved legs while you’re at it!).

One of the biggest delusions guys have is that they are convinced (and I mean convinced) that their girlfriends love something I never heard a girl honestly say she liked, not once. I think it’s the same accidental conspiracy I heard about once – somehow, one guy somewhere, some odd years ago, found the one girl on Earth that just slightly enjoyed it and then that guy told every guy that all girls love it. I don’t want to get into specifics, but the thing I’m talking about rhymes with the wordbanal.

LYNN LA realizes she only covered two secrets, but she’s sure there’s more to come later. E-mail her your delusions at ldla@ucdavis.edu but be careful. She doesn’t really know how to navigate through the new e-mail server, and she might click the button that makes your eyes pop out.


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