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Davis, California

Sunday, October 24, 2021

Variations on a Theme

According to some statistic presented by some magazine, the average height for a woman aged 18 to 24 is 5-foot-4. That being said, being a mere two inches below this average shouldn’t make that much of a difference, one would think.

Wrong. Falling just short (tehe!) of the median presents a huge problem. Though I would consider myself far from tiny (if anything, I would be on the taller end of the short spectrum), I’m just short enoughshort enough to have to get my pants hemmed, not tall enough to be able to take full advantage of the purpose of miniskirts, small enough to always be stuck sitting on someone’s lap when the car’s crowded and apparently just little enough to be blocked by a trash bin while waiting on the sidewalk for the bus, thus being late for class.

There are also the physical levels of precariousness to keep in mind. I’m talking about the afflictions the vertically challenged are faced with at concerts, parties and crowds in general. We’re the ones cursed with the optimal height of face-to-someone else’s-potentially-smelly-armpit, burdened with the increased risk of getting hit in the eye with a wayward elbow and the pint-sized targets of those looking for easy people to use for crowd-surfing.

To those showgoers who got the short end of the stick (haha again!) in height, don’t let your size get in the way of good times. For all you wee ones, I provide for you a couple of pointers:

First off, heels are never a pragmatic solution. Think about it: you’re going to a place where you’ll be standing for hours and running the risk of being thrown around if the crowd gets rowdy. Teetering on skinny heelsno matter how fierce the pair isis far from ideal.

Consider a solid pair of platform boots instead, specifically the knee-high leather lace-up styles a la Hot Topic. Not only will you gain a couple of inches, you’ll look super hardcore to boot. Even if they are heavier than your normal shoe, at least you’ll be able to anchor yourself or use your foot as a weapon.

A smarter solution would be to take advantage of your fun-sized height. When you’re small, you take up less spacework the sympathy card. In other words, make the taller folk in the audience feel like horrible people for obstructing your view and ruining your good time. However, usually there will be people nice enough to let you through so that way you don’t have to spend the whole show standing on your tip-toes or peering through their elbow.

Then again, sometimes playing the cute and tiny card doesn’t work. To that, I recommend being the douche bag! It’s a lot easier to slink through the audience to get your desired spot on the floor with minimal fear of repercussion when you’re petite.

Another solution to dwarf your problems: Bring a tall friend or two with you. A towering companion can always come in handy in these situations, whether it be conveniently providing you with a human shield against a wild crowd, acting as a bodyguard to protect you from the person you just cut in front of or giving you a pair of shoulders to climb if you’re way in the back of the crowd.

With all that being said, I guess what all you shorties out there could do is just show up early and simply beat the crowd to the front of the stage. But where’s the challenge in that, I ask?

RACHEL FILIPINAS could always use some taller friends. Get in touch with her at arts@theaggie.org.

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