I feel like I’ve been running into a lot of pissy people lately. I guess I understand to some extent why this is – the weather’s a little less sexy than most would like it to be, there’ve been these “essay” things that have to get done, and there just aren’t enough yogurt joints in Davis to go around. Still, and in light of the fact that Thanksgiving is on its way, we’ve all got much to be glad about.
I have this hypothesis that if there was more nookie being passed around, those pissy missies might lighten up a little. I know, I know, this is a college town; surely everyone’s shacking up like springtime bunnies. Alas, this might not be the case. You know you’re wound a little too tight when you’re tripping over the fact that your roommate played her Andrea Boccelli a little too loud Monday night. She was probably just hoping it would make you calm the feck down.
A potential downside to seeking sloppy random osculation with strangers is that nasty infectious mononucleosis that tends to make the rounds this time of year. So really, the option is yours: sick, happy roommate or healthy, pissy one? Just quarantine your buddy, Lysol everything in sight, and pray for a disease-free finals week.
Now that we’ve covered that, you should feel free to drag Grumpy Gretchen or Touchy Tim out for a night of debauchery on the town. You may just have to step up and help your grouch of a friend get lucky for the sake of your own mental health, so that you won’t have to deal with their emo angsty crap any longer. Here are some tips you might want to show them for picking up strangers. Or just that Special Friend they’ve wanted to get with since winter quarter in the dorms.
On dance floors, try to avoid getting jiggy with the Soulja Boy dance. It’s just not happening. At all. As in, you will embarrass yourself horribly if you attempt it, and I’m not just talking about the fact that it’s over a year old. It’s permissible to imitate music video dance moves if and only if others around you are doing a far worse job of it.
Use the Laugh and Touch effectively. Screw Elle Woods‘ Bend and Snap; nobody does that in real life. Act like what SF has just said is the funniest thing ever. It’s so funny that GG is laughing so hard she can’t hold herself up and has no choice but to put her hand on SF’s shoulder and lean entirely on him for support. Throwing in, “Oh my GOD, that’s SO FUNNY!” often compliments the Laugh and Touch – if you’re a girl.
Try to avoid asking THAT question. Only in cases of extreme desperation should the question of one’s major come into play. I know, we’re all guilty of it, but why ask someone’s major when you’re going to forget it three seconds later and you could ask a better question, like, “Are you from Tennessee? Cause you’re the only ten I see!” Which leads me to my next point …
Bad pickup lines are nifty. “I lost my number, can I have yours?” can, if used properly, be cute and funny, but the bad ones are just awesome. One of my personal faves is, “Nice shoes, wanna fuck?” Or tell someone that their shirt is becoming on them and add, after an effective pause, “If I were on you I’d be coming, too.” If SF has any sense of humor, she’ll laugh. Or just be really freaked out. Pickup lines made up on the spot tend to not work out so well – they often clue in the person on the receiving end of them that you’re completely full of crap. No girl is gonna believe that she has the most beautiful eyes you’ve ever seen, and if she does, you might wonder if she’s a stage-five clinger after all.
I know it can be tough and a bit tedious to get your friend’s frumpy, frustrated ass off the couch and out into the world of shameless flirtation, but it’s the time of holiday cheer, dammit! If your buddy is simply not capable of scoring some azz, try giving them some Orbit strawberry mint gum. It’s ahhmazing.
Or just hire a prostitute.
MICHELLE RICK is seeking an attractive male companion for her roommate Lola, who likes pounding margaritas at sunrise and outbelching the manliest of men. If you think you may be a rightful candidate, please send a (clothed!) photo and a brief blurb about yourself to firstname.lastname@example.org.