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Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Otherwise, they’ll kill you

Why is it that the moment you start settling in with somebody that you’re dating, they start unleashing an inordinate amount of unknown and unattractive characteristics all of a sudden? I know both girls and guys have experienced this common phenomenon, but it’s still surprising just how downhill people can go once that wholehoneymoon periodof dating is over.

 

All of a sudden, that sweet charming guy with the enigmatic smile who tells engrossing stories of his swashbuckling life is asking you to come check out his huge poop he just made in the toilet. And you can say goodbye to those cutesy phone calls you once received. You go fromHey sweetheart, how’s your day been going?” toWhadup ass-hat?” in three months flat.

 

Now you’re opening doors for yourself, driving him everyday and buying yourself a bouquet of flowers for your own birthday (“Here’s eight bucks honeyas long as you’re getting flowers, why does it matter who actually goes to pick them up? And pick up my prescription of penicillin while you’re at it. Kthxbye.“).

 

Sure, it’s not going to be romance and animal sex every single day of your life, and it’s always good to be comfortable being yourself around someone you care about. But what happens when the person you’re dating starts revealing their true selves and you’re not digging it? When did it become okay to go from Prince Charming to Prince-Pull-My-Finger?

 

Girls are guilty of the same crime too. As I’ve said before, the more time spent in a relationship, the legs become hairier and the underwear gets bigger.

 

There is also this other stage that both sexes are guilty of that I sometimes call theExperiment Phenomenon.

 

There you are, dating the girl of your dreams and you guys are in a good place. No more grey,So are we together?” stageit’s comfortable and you guys both know you’re for each other. That’s when she chooses this time to decide what it would be like to shave all her hair on her body. That includes the eyebrows, the head, and anywhere else that’s interesting. Why? Because she just wants to seehow it feels.

 

You can’t disagree too vehemently; after all you don’t want to look like a shallow prick. But why couldn’t she decide to look like a mole baby before you met her, or perhaps after you guys break up? Given this, it probably won’t be long.

 

Or take the boyfriend you’ve been seeing for four months. Not only did he have a killer sense of style, but he also frequented the gym and ate the right kinds of foods. Then the day he snagged you was the day he decided to stop trying. After all, the ability to see his own feet didn’t offer any sort of thrill before, so why care now?

 

At first you tell yourself that him beingsquishyis quite adorable actually. Then fast forward a couple more months and you’re left wondering if that foul odor is coming from another Buffalo wing that might have gotten lost in the many crevices of his body.

 

Some people out there might be thinking that if a relationship reaches any of the above-mentioned points, it’s time to cut loose. Although it may be tempting, these reasons aren’t compelling enough, per se, to dump someone over. After all, it’s not like he cheated on you, failed to commit or murdered anyone.

 

This sort of reasoning then leads to theI’ll do it after [insert inane event here]” sentence, where you plan on dumping your person after somephantomdate, only to find yourself postponing it. In fact, every couple you know that has lasted more than two years lasted that long only because they planned on going out of town next week, then a concert a month later, then a wedding in the spring and then a trip to Hawaii that following summer.

 

LYNN LA hates it when she gets to know someone but then they change. Like that guy she dated a month ago who transforms into a werewolf every full moon and then became an alcoholic. Talk about commitment issues. To give her some silver bullets, email her at ldla@ucdavis.edu.

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