Author’s Note: This week’s column is written from the perspective of George W. Bush if he had his own video in the ‘Unforgivable‘ series on YouTube. If you haven’t seen it, go check it out or this column will make zero sense to you.
I went to Washington yesterday to get the presidency for me and my fam. Ize gonna steal it. I ain’t have no votes.
Anyway, got the presidency. Next day was a meeting, wit my main Dick, someplace in D.C. Dick started makin‘ energy policy a lil‘ bit. Enron said, “That feels good … but it ain’t enough.“ Then Enron take it to a new level. Started makin‘ off with pensions while they was fixin‘ prices.
Anyway, we was havin‘ fun, dupin‘ the Christian Right and whatnot. It was hard work, so I went on vacation to the ranch. My ranch…
Then I saw some bull on the TV. Towers fallin‘. People on the ground, dyin‘, makin‘ a scene. Ize like, “Dick, what country they from?” He said, “Saudi Arabia.” I said, “I don’t care! There ain’t gonna be no Middle East after this! I’m lookin‘ for some oil and some bases and some pipelines!” So I slapped Afghanistan in the south. Knocked its government out the country. I got what I wanted. Got my pipeline, took their dignity from ‘em and left. Without payin‘.
Next we went to some building in New York. Ize like, “Dick, why all these countries out here?” He said, “Well, it’s the UN.” Ize like, “Whatever Dick. Go up to State, tell that token I want yellow cake from Africa and some anthrax … FO FREE!“
Saw some delegates I wanted to spit to. Walked over to ’em, said, “Wassup … ya country. Can I invade Iraq tonight … and for six years straight?” They’s like … didn’t know what to say. Ize like, “Brits, don’t make me ask you again.“
Anyway, got the resolution. I hit that country all spring. An‘ yeah, I got my oil. So?!? An‘ I know I got it ‘cause I spent $3 trillion an‘ didn’t use a exit strategy.
Then I went on vacation for at least three months. But people started getting‘ on my nerves. Got mad, got scared, cryin‘. Talkin‘ bout how they’s drownin‘ an‘ all up on some rooftops or some bull. I ignored that shit so fast; cause I ain’t tryin‘a hear that.
Anyway, went back to Washington an‘ fixed me a sandwich wit some pretzels. But people got to goin‘, sayin‘ they meat was from mad cows cut up by Mexican kids at a factory that’s pollutin‘ rivers. They said, “You ain’t gonna do nothin?” Ize like, “Course not, I ain’t yo‘ president.” They said, “Actually you are the president.” I said, “Bitch, naw.“ Took my pen out, took the EPA, the FDA, and the DOL, and cut ‘em. Cut their budgets. Vertically.
Then Ize like, “Whachy’all doin Justice?” They said, “Investigating a Republican.” I said, “Get that bull off the docket! I brought some new hires over. We ‘bout to politicize this bitch!“
Anyway, walked out to reporters an‘ told ‘em ‘bout Valerie Plame. Then I cut rich people’s taxes after that. They said, “But you already cut rich people’s taxes.” I said, “No one asked that!” “But what about Blackwater?” They was from the liberal media. Pissin‘ me off. I said, “I’ll ship you to Abu Ghraib wit a hood over your head an‘ electrodes on your nuts right now hippy if you sass me again.“ They kinda got a lil‘ scared, lil‘ frustrated. Told ‘em if they didn’t tell people climate change a hoax, Ize gonna swiftboat they ass.
Later on in the term, people actin‘ like they wasn’t havin‘ a good time. I said, “What, you ain’t no Real Americans? I coulda swore you were.” They said, “We like to go shopping.” But the banks was like, “Not on this date, cause we ain’t got no money. An‘ you gonna give us the money you got!” So I took peoples‘ wallets, but all I saw was some credit cards and some unemployment checks. I said, “Hold up, we betta not have no unemployment. I ain’t tryin’a deal wit no poverty.” Then the BLS was like, “Well you have the worst job growth since Hoover.” Ize like, “BLS that’s a mistake.” They said, “What’d we do?” I said, “BLS, you got some statistics, and I don’t like it!“
Then some bald dude came in. I said, “‘Ey, let’s go stoke some greed.” He said, “There’s not a lot more I can … ” I cut ‘em off, said, “Hank, you betta fleece this country.“ Of course he abided.
Anyway, got done, an‘ went on vacation. And I left a war in Gaza for the next administration to deal wit, get ‘em in a lil‘ trouble.
So now you tell me America, after all these years; was that whole thing unforgivable?
K.C. CODY’s opinion on the matter should be obvious. Tell him yours at kccody@ucdavis.edu
