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Davis, California

Wednesday, April 17, 2024

Unforgivable #43

Author’s Note: This week’s column is written from the perspective of George W. Bush if he had his own video in theUnforgivableseries on YouTube. If you haven’t seen it, go check it out or this column will make zero sense to you.

I went to Washington yesterday to get the presidency for me and my fam. Ize gonna steal it. I ain’t have no votes.

Anyway, got the presidency. Next day was a meeting, wit my main Dick, someplace in D.C. Dick started makinenergy policy a lilbit. Enron said,That feels good but it ain’t enough. Then Enron take it to a new level. Started makinoff with pensions while they was fixin prices.

Anyway, we was havinfun, dupinthe Christian Right and whatnot. It was hard work, so I went on vacation to the ranch. My ranch…

Then I saw some bull on the TV. Towers fallin. People on the ground, dyin, makina scene. Ize like, “Dick, what country they from?” He said,Saudi Arabia.I said,I don’t care! There ain’t gonna be no Middle East after this! I’m lookinfor some oil and some bases and some pipelines!” So I slapped Afghanistan in the south. Knocked its government out the country. I got what I wanted. Got my pipeline, took their dignity fromem and left. Without payin.

Next we went to some building in New York. Ize like,Dick, why all these countries out here?” He said,Well, it’s the UN.Ize like,Whatever Dick. Go up to State, tell that token I want yellow cake from Africa and some anthrax FO FREE!

Saw some delegates I wanted to spit to. Walked over to ’em, said,Wassup ya country. Can I invade Iraq tonight and for six years straight?” They’s like didn’t know what to say. Ize like,Brits, don’t make me ask you again.

Anyway, got the resolution. I hit that country all spring. Anyeah, I got my oil. So?!? An I know I got itcause I spent $3 trillion an didn’t use a exit strategy.

Then I went on vacation for at least three months. But people started getting on my nerves. Got mad, got scared, cryin. Talkin bout how they’s drownin an all up on some rooftops or some bull. I ignored that shit so fast; cause I ain’t tryina hear that.

Anyway, went back to Washington an fixed me a sandwich wit some pretzels. But people got to goin, sayin they meat was from mad cows cut up by Mexican kids at a factory that’s pollutin rivers. They said,You ain’t gonna do nothin?” Ize like,Course not, I ain’t yopresident.They said,Actually you are the president.I said,Bitch, naw. Took my pen out, took the EPA, the FDA, and the DOL, and cutem. Cut their budgets. Vertically.

Then Ize like,Whachy’all doin Justice?” They said,Investigating a Republican.I said,Get that bull off the docket! I brought some new hires over. Webout to politicize this bitch!

Anyway, walked out to reporters an toldembout Valerie Plame. Then I cut rich people’s taxes after that. They said,But you already cut rich people’s taxes.I said,No one asked that!” “But what about Blackwater?” They was from the liberal media. Pissinme off. I said,I’ll ship you to Abu Ghraib wit a hood over your head an electrodes on your nuts right now hippy if you sass me again. They kinda got a lil scared, lil frustrated. Toldem if they didn’t tell people climate change a hoax, Ize gonna swiftboat they ass.

Later on in the term, people actinlike they wasn’t havina good time. I said,What, you ain’t no Real Americans? I coulda swore you were.They said,We like to go shopping.But the banks was like,Not on this date, cause we ain’t got no money. An you gonna give us the money you got!” So I took peoples wallets, but all I saw was some credit cards and some unemployment checks. I said,Hold up, we betta not have no unemployment. I ain’t tryin’a deal wit no poverty.Then the BLS was like,Well you have the worst job growth since Hoover.Ize like,BLS that’s a mistake.They said,What’d we do?” I said,BLS, you got some statistics, and I don’t like it!

Then some bald dude came in. I said, “‘Ey, let’s go stoke some greed.He said,There’s not a lot more I can I cutem off, said,Hank, you betta fleece this country. Of course he abided.

Anyway, got done, an went on vacation. And I left a war in Gaza for the next administration to deal wit, getem in a lil trouble.

So now you tell me America, after all these years; was that whole thing unforgivable?

K.C. CODY’s opinion on the matter should be obvious. Tell him yours at kccody@ucdavis.edu


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