One of the most common issues I get from my friends when they complain about their significant other is how much they hate the group of friends that come along with their girlfriend or boyfriend. In all these stories I’m told, three very common characters show up that I’d like to say a few words about, just in case you guys didn’t know about them. So let your reading capabilities take it away!
The Asshole is your boyfriend’s male friend who is a grade-A douche bag. He’s a misogynist who thinks he is God’s gift to women. He sleeps around and because his knowledge of women does not extend outside the desperate bag-of-hoes he meets at bars, he thinks women are dumb and are simply “asking for it.” He views girlfriends as playthings, lets you know that relationships are a farce and that girls come and go – including you. The only thing left is for his friend (your boyfriend) to realize it and he can’t wait for the day when they’ll team up again and become the ultimate wingman machine.
So why is your guy still friends with him? One, he’s not a girl so he doesn’t take any offense to this and two, he’s a “cool guy to be around with.” And don’t even think about expressing your negative feelings about him. If this d-bag were to find out you don’t like him, he’ll put you in the My Friend’s Bitchy Girlfriend File and call it a day.
Furthermore, since the guy’s been your boyfriend’s best friend since they were in grade school, any complaints must be made cautiously. Most of the time though, all your guy ever says is, “That’s just the way he is, you’re just sensitive. Besides, how was he supposed to know you were allergic to peanuts? Just because he held your head back and stuffed them in your mouth doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you!”
Then there is the pining lover. Sometimes they’re as harmless as the nice schmuck that treats your girlfriend way better than you ever could but alas, she’s with you, not with him. Other times, they’re as aggressive as the girl who keeps calling your boyfriend at three in the morning, begging him to come over. Whatever the type may be, whenever you guys as a couple hang out with said person, you always end up saying privately to your girlfriend, “Dude, that guy is so into you, I swear. I mean, did you see the way he was crying in the corner when we kissed? Talk about obvious.“
Lastly, the gaggle of girls is the group of three of four girls that come packaged with your girlfriend. If they don’t approve of you, you can expect rough times ahead. Sure it may not be as obvious as, “My friends have reached the consensus that I should dump you and I am obliged to follow through.” However, when all those late night phone calls, catch-up sessions during brunch and pillow fights in lingerie (it’s true, we really do do that) include shit talking about you, it’s bound to give your girl second thoughts.
When a group of girls wants one of their members to dump their significant other, it will be stealthy and through very subtle dialogue. Instead of “Shit dude, your girl is crazy, you need to hit it and quit it, pronto,” girls would rather ask some condescending question: “I remember last year my boyfriend took me to see Lance Burton Magic Show, did Thomas ever do that for you?” See what just happened there? They planted the seed of destruction into your girlfriend’s mind and now she’s going to ask you to see magic shows out of nowhere – and both of you guys don’t even like magic (unless it’s followed by the words “sexy time“).
Sure, you’re grateful for them sometimes – they tell you what she wants for birthday gifts, occupy her time so you need not to worry about her making you the center of her world, and having four best female friends is a whole lot better than having four best male friends, trust me.
But sometimes, okay fuck it, most of the time, you just can’t stand them. Those dinners send your brain into an aneurism because you can’t handle an entire night of darting glances, snide comments, and duplicitous laughter. (The only reason why I know guys have picked up on this is because my male friends have told me. Believe me, all this time I thought we were pretty keen on being subtle, especially with those looks we exchange that last only half a nanosecond, but apparently, guys notice?) Damn them and their eyes having the ability to see things!
LYNN LA thinks everyone comes with a whole lot of emotional baggage. She just hopes that whatever baggage she has, it at least comes in a Louis Vuitton trunk. To pack it up nicely, e-mail her at firstname.lastname@example.org.