Is it just me or are a lot of people breaking up everywhere? And I mean everywhere: On the bus, in front of Olson, even over the phone on the sidewalk at two in the morning. A couple once broke up right in front of my apartment. My roommate and I crouched down, popped some popcorn and put our ears against the door as the girl from apartment 124 took two hours to break up with Joe-shmoe because she caught him cheating. Oh man, it was so golden, I peed in my pants a little.
About 98.99 percent of the couples I knew in high school broke up by college (and those who are still gripping onto each other rigor mortis style should be calling it quits soon anyway). Throughout the years, I’ve come to learn that boys and girls handle breakups entirely differently (except drinking, everyone drinks – it seems to be the one solution that knows no gender roles). So here are some suggestions, starting with the boys, on how to execute proper breakup protocol.
Like I said, a lot of my guy friends like to drink themselves stupid. But they do a lot of stupid things sober too, like getting a “makeover“ (not in the What Not to Wear way, but the “I’m going to lift weights until I get a hernia” sort of way). Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the whole self-betterment spiel. But why is it that whenever guys reinvent themselves, they manage to do something detrimental or just plain weird? You know, when girls want to revamp themselves, we just cut our hair, buy a new pair of boots and call it day.
Guys on the other hand want to remake themselves in a big way and fast. They take protein shakes to gain water-weight even though it makes them shit bricks; grow out some child-molesting looking mustache just to “try something new,” despite scaring away all their friends; or they buy that leather vest that they always wanted (the one with the fringes) because their ex forbade it before (for reasons that escape me).
All I’m saying is baby steps, people. Start flossing, change your underwear to stop the chafing, or get that rash that’s on your nether-region checked out that you’ve been neglecting. I mean, the only thing better than looking good to an ex is also having the opportunity to say, “Oh by the way – that syphilis you got, that ain’t from me.“
Spend a ton of money on yourself. One of my male friends, whom I shall inappropriately name “Stacy,” spent a lot of money on his girlfriend. What’s more, Stacy was spending it on things he deemed completely worthless (i.e.: a piss-ant contact-lens case from, you guessed it, the Louis Vuitton). After they broke up, Stacy basically went apeshit and blew a kajillion dollars (that’s just a rough estimate by the way) on every game console he could get his hands on. At first I thought he was crazy, but his friends told me that it was money well spent. Stacy still gets his ass kicked, but now it’s from a little thing he’d like to call “Metal Gear Solid” instead of his girlfriend. The end.
I guess you can also … masturbate? The only reason why I’m so hesitant and put a question mark there is because I’ve gotten a lot of mixed reviews about this. Some of my male friends are fine slapping the ham all day, everyday, starting from the moment she uttered, “We need to talk.” They look forward to reconnecting with their buddy again. As the old saying goes, “Girls come and go, but the right hand will always be there for you” (and by “old saying” I mean “a saying I just made up right now.“) I remember my friend said he might as well put it to some good use anyway; during the years he spent with his girlfriend he mainly used his hand for flipping the middle finger behind her back.
Other guys have told me that masturbating is probably the most depressing thing you can experience after a break up, next to just offing yourself. Because of this, some guys go without flying solo for a while, at least until they are in a “better place.” I don’t know what this “place” is exactly, but it sort of creeps me out to think that it’s a place guys can go where they can emotionally handle watching a porno without somehow bursting into tears.
Don’t hookup with the ex-girlfriend that went before your current ex. I don’t have any amusing commentary to back up this suggestion, but just trust me. It’s disrespectful and insulting and if your recent ex isn’t completely brain-dead and has her head on straight, she’ll throw away any hopes of reconciliation out the window, around the corner and up your colon.
LYNN LA is busy writing the lady version of this column for next week. If anyone would like to hollatchagirl, e-mail her at firstname.lastname@example.org.