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Sunday, July 25, 2021

Otherwise, they’ll kill you

Considering that this Saturday is St. Despicable’s Day, it’s fitting that I finish going over proper Breakup Protocol. Now before anybody gets huffy, I’m legally obligated by the state of California to acknowledge that everyone is different and stereotyping is a no-no (especially when the frowny-pants guys over at the ACLU give me a call).

 

However, saying something like,girls usually do this…” when I really mean,the girls that I have known in my experience that run in my social circle whom I shall base my knowledge and assumptions on usually do this…” saves an awful lot of time and space, doesn’t it? Okay, let’s get at it.

 

Refrain from the drunk dialing. Sometimes I wish cell phones came with a breathalyzer and if you failed, you couldn’t make a phone call. Of course, that’s sort of impractical because you wouldn’t be able to call your sober friend (aka: my mother) for a ride either. I suppose the breathalyzer thing might work if you pre-programmed certain numbers that your phone can’t connect to if your blood alcohol content was above, say, 0.03 percent (remember kids, even tipsy dialing is drunk dialing).

 

That being said, ex-boyfriends, would-be boyfriends, and oh-my-god-how-I-wish-that-guy-was-my-boyfriend, should be on that list. I tell you, nobody wants to wake up to a phone call at three in the morning with someone on the other line sobbing,Oh shit, I’m so drunks right nows, but I have to tell yous somethings…”

 

And thissomethingsis never anything good. It’s never about the most recent Lakers game, or what’d you think about Slumdog Millionaire (overrated or best movie ever?!) or your opinion on the president’s stimulus plan. It’s always going to be something serious, it’s always going to be about your relationship, and it’s always going to end badly.

 

Next time you see your drunk friend (who recently got out of a relationship) sneak off to make a little phone call, do her a favor and take out the battery as fast as you can and hand it back to her.

 

When she asks you why her phone’s not working, tell her how everybody complains about the Verizon network plan, and that somehow, having no reception also makes the screen turn black for some odd reason. It might make her chuck her phone against a wall, but it pays off knowing her ex is sleeping soundly somewhere else, not judging his ex-girlfriend (your best friend) for acting desperate. Everybody wins, hooray!

 

Let yourself go. Since immediately dating someone else is never a good idea, let yourself go for a bit before you enter the dating world. It’ll feel good rebelling from the lame standards your boyfriend used to put on you.

 

Why do you think girls always chop off their hair after a breakup? Because guys love long hair; it fulfills some sort of perverted sexual fantasy of dating a Pantene Pro-V spokeswoman. You’ll also feel relieved that you don’t have to pluck every out-of-place hair on your body and you can throw away those white jeans you hate that you bought only because he liked them (because honestly, nothing screams sophistication like white jeans that have the zipper in the back).

 

Try your best to contain the crazies. Now I’m not saying that all girls are crazy. In fact I’m actually theorizing that the proverbialcrazy ex-girlfrienddoesn’t exist, and it’s actually a myth created by lame ex-boyfriends, who in attempts to exonerate themselves of any blame while also flattering themselves, midjudge certain actions by their ex ascrazy.

 

Then again, some girls really do some crazy shtuff. So try not to sneak into his AIM, break into his Facebook account and read his inbox or write a desperate blog that reveals how you’re still pathetically in love with your ex. Keep it classy ladies.

 

If it helps, remember WWGKD: What Would Grace Kelly Do? I mean, her official title isHer Serene Highness the Princess of Monacofor crying out loud. Would Serene Highness Grace stalk her ex-boyfriend by convenientlyrunning intohim in front of his apartment? Would Serene Highness Grace get drunk at a party and sob to her ex that she’ll immediately leave the poor schmuck she’s already with? Would Grace motherfucking Kelly sleep with her ex in order to validate herself? No, she would not. Because she is a princessand so are you, kind of.

 

LYNN LOO LA hopes that the bad luck on this Friday the 13th will carry over the next day and punish every couple on Earth, everywhere. To cheer her up, send her a Vday e-card at ldla@ucdavis.edu. To brighten up her day forever, she double-dog dares you to send to the Aggie office, a real Valentine to her. How’s that for desperate cry for love?!

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