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Davis, California

Thursday, October 28, 2021

Hey Hey Baby Baby

Singles are always whining about how much they hate Valentine’s Day, but think about how bad those with the old ball and chain have it. Retailers surely get a throbbing hard-on for the 14th of Feb.; I mean, seriously, look at all the crap there is to be bought.

Money can buy a lot of nookie, but it just can’t buy love. Sometimes all it takes is a sentimental gesture to express your affection. These gestures range from the cheap, thoughtful mix tape to the downright priceless threesome.

I got the latter idea from my friend Hailey Curtis, whose current relationship will be three and a half years old this very Saturday. The first time she ever got with her favorite studmuffin was by way of the double-team with her best friend. Clearly, it worked, because nothing makes a guy fall in love like a little live girl-on-girl action. This may be the most innovative seduction strategy since the creation of Jello shots.

But, I confess, I’m getting ahead of myself. Initiating a threesome assumes that an individual has a target in mind and a friend who’s down to get freaky with said couple. It’s all about baby steps. First you have to meet someone. Get to know someone. Date someone. Love is a fickle thing, and finding it ain’t no picnic, either.

People always seem to be tripping balls over what they’re going to do if they foresee a dateless VeeDay. These complaints stem from the fact that people are always looking to complicate their lives for dramatic effect. Either you don’t have anyone or someone wants you who you’re just not that into. My friend Adam Kelso told me, “I guess I avoid guys if I’m not interested but I hate saying no, but for some reason they keep coming back.” This brought up the notion of pity sex. I guess some have a lower capacity for guilt; others can simply ignore it for months on end.

There are ways to tell if you’re not making any progress with someone. If there are two-hour intervals between text message responses, it may not be the best sign. Or they might just flat out give you a bullshit excuse. This one time a guy told my friend that he was going abroad for a quarter and he would call her when he got back. A friend of a friend from high school once got dumped by the line, “It’s not me … it’s you.” And then the offender ran away. Ouch.

Still, people deserve props for having the balls to initiate anything in the first place. The exception to this statement, of course, is the guy who sends mass text messages to girls when he’s plastered at three in the morning. Ask a girl what turns her off about a guy, and she’ll say arrogance, immaturity or sleaziness. Ask a guy what turns him off about a girl, and he’ll say stupidity, superficiality or snobbiness. There are, sadly, a fair amount of people who deserve to be sterilized with a rusty spork.

Even if you do find someone, you’re still not in the safe zone. My friend Munchy Serrano once went on a date with a guy who memorized random facts off of DavisWiki in order to impress her. Now, the poor fool was probably only trying to impress her, but that doesn’t entirely make up for the fact that she’ll never get that Friday night back. Then there was the dude who refused to leave her apartment. Thankfully, her roommate eventually threatened to shoot him in the balls close-range with an AK-47 BB gun.

So yeah, dating is kind of a freak show. Guys are Notebooked against their will everyday. Girls force themselves to pretend that watching NASCAR or WWE doesn’t completely make them want to gouge their eyes out. But it’s nothing to trip about; rest assured someone will enjoy a Feb. 14 at some point in their life.

It’s true that gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. It can be perfectly ridiculous, and it may not make a lot of sense, but in the end, love is always worth it. Because the human race would be extinct without it.

MICHELLE RICK still remembers her second-grade Valentine. It’s too bad he’s in a correctional facility, but she hopes he has a fantastic Valentine’s Day as well. Direct comments to marick@ucdavis.edu.

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