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Saturday, November 27, 2021

Variations on a Theme

There were a couple of notable recent turns of events that I could have touched on this week (i.e. high-profile scandals involving one of the following: Bruce Springsteen, Chris Brown, Christian Bale or Michael Phelps), but since it’s a time-sensitive topic, I thought I’d devote my space tosurprise, surprise Valentine’s Day!

I like to think of myself as a pacifist and lover of all things that act as an excuse to get presents, but it’s hard not to hate on olV-Day when the only thing I’m currently cuddling with is Lucy, the spunky blonde Chihuahua from Oxnard, Calif.

Unfortunately, nightlife doesn’t provide a better alternative. Here is where I place the blame on the number one usurper of fun-had-by-all-time: the creeper.

It’s an easily identifiable character: the one with forthcoming-turned-stalkerish social tendencies, who skulks around you on the dance floor and inevitably ends up lurking in the background of your tagged pictures on Facebook.

Of course, girls are prone to throwing this term around too loosely nowadays, so I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. However, while I am sure the guy is perfectly nice and all during normal business hours, considering the particular set of circumstances, location, how much alcohol you’ve had and the way he’s magically managed to name in numerical order the first six items off of your25 Random Things About Me list, it’s probably safe to assume the worst.

That being said, I offer some words of wisdomeffective methods for those who’d rather avoid the situation altogether instead of coming off as a total dick when you realize, oh shit, dude’s in your psychology class, you guys are on the same library schedule and you ride the bus with him.

Don’t be easy prey. Some girls are just asking for it, what with making inadvertent eye contact across the room and having normal biological functions and whatnot.

Rethink group strategy. Girls always make the mistake of traveling in packs. As much as I love my lady friends, it’s hard to accommodate everyone and make everyone happy, especially when we’re all on the same cycle and are going through the same premenstrual symptoms.

And you know who else travels in packs? The guys you don’t want to dance with, apparently. Like it or not, once one latches on to you on the dance floor, and there are three more, bombarding your friends. Females regularly go out on thesegirls night out!!” type of events, which inevitably lead to long-winded and tedious complaints about how these guys just wouldn’t leave them alone, god damn it.

My recommendation? Having at least one guy (sexual preference notwithstanding) merely present in your group is a lot more effective than having a bunch of girls come to protect you when it comes to weird dance floor creepers. Plus, no one will have to be the de facto mama hen guardian of the group, and you’re less prone to falling clumsily on the dance floor while your friend spins you away from the guy who equates vigorous thrusting with dancing.

Just say no. Girls (myself included, I hate to admit) will find any reason to get away from guys they don’t want to be aroundand I mean any. The more indirect, the better, it seems. Examples of this includeSorry, I’m dancing with a friend,” “I don’t want to spill my drink,” “I might be allergic to the laundry detergent you used to wash your clothes, I’d really rather not risk it, but thanks!”

 

RACHEL FILIPINAS would like to emphasize once again that she is a lover of gifts, even ones in the form of e-mail messages. She can be reached at rmfilipinas@ucdavis.edu.

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