Some light needs to be shed on a particular minority of women. These women come in various shapes and sizes, skin colors, religious beliefs, sexual orientations and everything else that makes people vary. Actually, they really have nothing in common, besides one crucial aspect of their personalities that distinguishes each from the rest of society.
These women are totally apathetic toward Valentine’s Day.
I realize this is late, and will help none of you until next year, but it’s important that the world hears about it! Perhaps your significant other is undercover apathetic; you need to know how to please her. We are a dying breed, but we will prevail!
This doesn’t mean that these indifferent women don’t, for lack of a better term, celebrate the holiday. Wanting to spite Hallmark is no reason to deny your significant other a day of hanging out. What signifies these women is this:
Lack of assorted chocolates. A box of randomly assorted chocolates, some of which taste like shit, cannot even compare to a king-sized Snickers bar that you know is going to taste amazing. The point is, if you know what she already likes, don’t go out of your way to get her what Mel Gibson would get Julia Roberts in Sleepless in Seattle. Enough said.
Flowers. Flowers are a nice gesture. Really, they are. But they also always flake off, eventually die and sometimes stink up your room. And at the end of the week or so that you’ve had them, you have to take this wonderful gesture and throw it in the trash because looking at it is revolting.
Really, the nicest thing about getting flowers is the 2-3 seconds that it takes for the guy to hand them to you, the hug right after, and first couple times you see them in your room the next day. It’s true! There are some chicks that really would rather prefer that Snickers bar, yes, even over flowers.
Laziness to go out. Foundation, powder, blush, eyeliner, at least three shades of eyeshadow, eyelash curlers, mascara, lipliner, lipstick, hair straighteners, hair curlers, hairspray, razors, wax, nail polish, lotion, perfume, pearls, earrings, rings, bracelets, wonder bras, strapless bras, fake bed tans, spray tans, spray tans gone wrong; George Carlin said it better in “When Will Jesus Bring the Porkchops,” but my paraphrase will have to suffice. Holler out to my sisters who would prefer a Snickers bar to wearing a dress or high heels.
Speaking of dresses and high heels, let’s not forget that this wonderful love day is in February, a month right in the middle of winter. It’s freezing outside. Really. And sometimes the same people making fun of the girls walking up and down Frat Row in skimpy little dresses in January, are caught on Valentine’s day doing the exact same thing.
I’ll spare you the speech about Valentine’s being a consumer/Hallmark bullshitted holiday, created to make you buy and do random cute-sie stuff, and to guarantee women at least one day in the year to be spoiled by their partners. That much is a given.
There is so much more at stake! Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be the highlight of anyone’s relationship, anyway. I think the biggest problem with Valentine’s Day is the implicit amnesty given to couples during the remaining 364 days of the year. Whatever “cute-sie” things there are to do on Feb. 14 could probably be spread out throughout the year. This would make it more sentimental, more personal and much less uncomfortable for this dying breed.
Besides, couples forget that you can always do something sweet for each other. Whether it be a chocolate bar or whatever crap assorted stuff you find, don’t save it all up for one day. Anyway, this was not intended to become an advice column, I’m not the one to be dishing out this kind of information. But look out for the apathetic female, and if you can, get her a Snickers.
SARA KOHGADAI had a wonderful Valentine’s that met all of her apathetic needs. Still, e-send her some kind of great chocolate at firstname.lastname@example.org.