The prophet again ascended the mountain to seek the wisdom of the Lord.
“Did I not provide you with 10 commandments previously?” he asked.
“Yes Lord, but the people clamor for more guidance and hearty belly laughs.“
“Very well,” said the Lord of Tha D, “I shall now provide you with many more edicts of great instructive value.“
And so the Lord of Tha D did deliver his commandments with terrible force and awesome wisdom:
Thou shalt abuse thy parents‘ wallets. If you are fortunate enough to have your way paid, it is worth knowing that purchases on your student account are not itemized. Your parents will discover this, and their wrath will be vengeful indeed.
Thou shalt take a part-time job found via MyUCDavis to repay said parents for said student account.
Thou shalt quit said part-time job and develop a gambling addiction.
Thou shalt go to CAPS to deal with said gambling addiction, later dabbling in Monasticism and eventually becoming a bitter Republican.
Thou shalt not even know about KDVS. Hipsters who ride fixies wearing designer jeans with Pumas and carrying a messenger bag while listening to their iPod will know about it, but you will not.
Thou shalt shun hipsters who ride fixies wearing designer jeans with Pumas and carrying a messenger bag while listening to their iPod.
Thou shalt read The Aggie and complain about its quality, but never apply to be a writer, suggest stories or attempt to freelance.
Thou shalt use The Domes as primary source material for thy paper on the youth movement of the Vietnam era.
Thou shalt break up. It will be shitty, but do not create bad blood. For Davis is a small town, and your ex will probably be your waiter at some point. The clam chowder is not recommended.
Thou shalt go to the Coho, get coffee, drop a tea bag in, and put on a lid. You will save $0.65 by paying the price for tea, and the added anti-oxidants will offset the bad karma, resulting in no change of life expectancy.
Thou shalt annually throw away, but later dumpster dive for, perfectly good desks, tables, chairs, lamps, microwaves, refrigerators, lawn furniture, coffee makers, couches, love seats, bean bags, night stands, speakers, dresser drawers, pool and foosball tables, televisions, dart boards, printers and small children every August.
Thou shalt buy all thy miscellaneous shit, which could not be found in aforementioned dumpsters, at the Bargain Barn. You will be tempted to buy an old Unitrans bus for $500 to throw parties in, but will abandon the idea when you consider the insurance costs.
Thou shalt take a date for a walk into the arboretum at sunset thinking it romantic, but will instead find the mood ruined by your date’s fear of being sexually assaulted.
Thou shalt take a class Pass/ No Pass thinking it will be easier that way. You will find, however, after the deadline to change grading schemes has passed, that you need an A on the final to earn a Pass. You will file a petition for a late switch to letter grading. It will be rejected.
Thou shalt go to summer school.
Thou shalt not take any drink named after that which is unfit for human consumption; verily, bloody tampons and prairie fires are abominations before me. Those who consumeth them will find their bodies shaken, their beds wetted and a great pestilence spread throughout their crotchal region.
Thou shalt go to Cowell Student Health Center to cure thee of thy crotchal plague. They will give you some Tylenol and Gatorade to wash it down, then advise you to take a nap. After your third visit in as many days, they will finally take you seriously and accept that you are diseased. They will charge your student account for the lab tests and medication, and you will come to understand that this is why charges to your student account are not itemized.
Thou shalt take the GRE after thy sophomore year. You knew all the math you need in seventh grade, and no matter what you do your verbal score will be 550 because no one uses the word “uxorious,” and “noisome“ doesn’t mean what it should.
Thou shalt get really high (like, I-am-the-eggman, strawberry-fields-forever high) and dance at the hippie rave during the Whole Earth Festival.
Thou shalt learn and exploit the open container law and noise ordinance.
Thou shalt never go to the library to do research. Thou hast Google. Useth it.
Thou shalt go to the Coho and poach from the Bakery’s sample bin.
Thou shalt laugh at and heckle the crazy preacher on the Quad, but feel a great sadness wash over you when you later realize that he speaks for many millions of registered voters.
Thou shalt write incompetent and racist bathroom graffiti.
Thou shalt get kicked out. Whether bar or club, class or team, thy presence will no longer be welcome. This is a time for self-reflection: What is it about you that make people hate you?
Thou shalt get to a freshman girl ASAP, before the DC and the frats do.
Thou shalt not be a dick. Call her back. Seriously. Otherwise you will have created a sexually insecure, emotionally damaged 18-year-old female compulsively seeking affection but confusing it with attention and ultimately ending up lying on the ground drunk in her underwear crying at the end of your driveway. Thou art warned.
Thou shalt do the Sudoku and watch Internet videos in class.
Thou shalt go to Ikeda’s, for their bounty is plentiful and pies delicious.
Thou shalt harass the Tipsy Taxi driver and give no tip.
Thou shalt purchase thy slaughtered calf at the Meat Lab.
And the final commandment, to be followed when all else fails (and it will):
Thou shalt consult DavisWiki on a daily basis. For it is your bible and will serve you gloriously.
K.C. CODY thanks those who wrote questions to him this week, and will answer them next Friday. Ask him any more you like at firstname.lastname@example.org.