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Wednesday, December 1, 2021

Everyone Loves a Drunk Girl

There’s nothing that makes you think more of drunk girls than being in a room full of drunk girls. Although this deviates just slightly from what St. Patrick’s Day is really in honor of, I want to point out that there will be many drunk girls turned out loose on this sacred day.

Some people like drunk girls and some people don’t. It would be easy to generalize the members of these two categories as dudes and chicks, but the fact is that there are some instances in which everyone wants to smack one.

We can factor in as fans the founder of Girls Gone Wild and the creepers who know deep down that they would never get laid if not for drunk girls. The rest of us kind of hate them.

That’s primarily because no one enjoys having a four-inch stiletto driven through their toe by a girl who couldn’t touch her nose when asked if her life depended on it. “Oops!” she exclaims in a high-pitched voice before being ushered away by her always giggly, glittery, sometimes gnarly friends. Sometimes she’ll put the cherry on the sundae by spilling her drink all over you.

What I don’t get is why they always seem to think that in their inebriated state they’re somehow fit to tell other people what to do. Like at my friend’s Halloween party when the cops came and one was screaming at everyone to shut up. I pointed out that she was the loudest person in the goddamn place and she tried to start a fight with me. Then there was the girl who was leaning on the wall at a party but still felt the need to direct traffic by putting her grubby little hands on everyone who walked by and shove them forward although she was about to face plant into the sticky, germy floor.

They stumble into pictures. They lean against bathroom stall doors to protect their friends from intruders when they themselves can barely stand up. They freak on each other and make out like it’s their job, which I’m sure is awesome to some but just off-putting to others.

Drunk girls fall into two categories: the dramatics and the deniers. The dramatics are the ones who are not really drunk, who take a shot or two and start acting completely ridiculous because they think they can get away with it. Such behavior is exemplified in the girl who goes around telling everyone how drunk she is. The denier can generally be found with her head in the toilet, muttering “I’m not drunk” repeatedly with her eyes half-closed.

One particularly notable drunk girl was one I dubbed Lois simply because it was the first unfavorable name that came to mind at the time. Me and a couple of friends walked into a party that we quickly came to realize was clique central. We quickly magnetized ourselves to the two people we knew and proceeded to stand around doing nothing. This all changed, of course, when CCR’s “Have You Ever Seen the Rain” came on and everyone in the place started to sing along to it. It was unconventional and probably would have been cute if drunkass Lois didn’t have to ruin it. “Ohhmahhgahh I LOVE THIS SONG!” she screeched, and proceeded to drown out everyone else with her deaf-tone squawking. A minute in, we could no longer take it and made a break for the door. Lois yelled, “Why are you leaving, you guys suck!” Impressively enough, this experience did not ruin that song for me. In fact, I think I like it a little more now than I did prior to that experience.

Now, if I’m going to be completely honest, I will state for the record that I’ve been there. I’m sure there are people who’ve rolled their eyes and willed for me to pass out quietly in a corner just so my presence would just cease. So in the interest of not being a hypocrite, should any of you ever see me in such a condition as described above, you are granted full permission to tell me to sit down and shut up.

As long as there are bored kids with plastic-bottled vodka, there will be girls getting sloppy. This should be up somewhere with Uncertainty Reduction Theory. For every drunk girl who wakes up, gets it together, and gets a degree and a job, there will be a freshman around to take her place. Just remember: Well-behaved women rarely make history, but drunk skanks never do. Except for Cleopatra.

 

MICHELLE RICK ain’t Irish but she can pretend to be! Love her, hate her, say what you want about her … to marick@ucdavis.edu.

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