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Davis, California

Sunday, October 17, 2021

Innovative solutions going forward

Super Senior,

 

I just got a Facebook invite to an Apr. 2 screening of Pirates II in SciLec. What the crap is going on? Is this legit?

 

Pee-wee Herman

 

For those who don’t know, Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge is the $10 million sequel to the most expensive porno ever made (Pirates, $1 million). To give an idea of what that means, the $80, four DVD set comes in a case that looks more like the next edition of World of Warcraft than a porno and has special features like casting calls and bloopers.

In the words of John Boehner,Oh. My. God.

Now, I was hesitant to write about this; I wouldn’t want to be held responsible for alerting Grace Alive or Campus Crusade for Christ and prompting some kind of self-righteous,we suppress our sexuality and so should you protest, but they don’t read my column anyway so I’m not too concerned.

Anyhow, rumor has it that the Entertainment Council’s balls grew by a factor of 10 and somehow managed to organize a free public screening of Pirates II in all of its uncut, hardcore glory. But like you and just about everyone I know, I had my doubts as to whether this thing was really going to go down.

So I e-mailed the council, and as of this writing have yet to get a response. Frustrated, I did me a Google and found out that UCLA actually put this thing on in December, complete with a discussion panel composed of the film’s stars and director. We aren’t getting the pleasure of meeting Evan Stone, but on balance, this is happening.

That said, I really don’t care if it’s an elaborate April Fool’s joke; I’m pretty sure that 500 college students showing up at the same place at the same time in anticipation of watching porn in public for two hours can find something entertaining to do.

Oh, just a note, the best part about the event’s Facebook page is that right below the picture it implores you toInvite People to come. I laughed for like 10 minutes.

 

Super Senior,

 

I’m thinking of applying to graduate school since I can’t find a job and my parents don’t understand me. You’re a writer, how should I go about a statement of purpose or personal statement? A cover letter?

 

Majored in Art Studio

 

What you say and how you say it totally depend on who your audience is. Writing a cover letter is an entirely different beast from a statement or purpose or personal statement.

When it comes to cover letters and applying for internships or jobs, you’re going to want to befoul what you have to say with all sorts of jargon. Throw down with something like this,My academic and professional experience as a [insert major here] at the University of California at Davis has provided me with a highly versatile skill set with regards to [insert field here]. I am adept at finding innovative solutions for dynamic projects via group collaboration and professional networking, as well as identifying potential gains in efficiency through cost minimization. This position offers an exceptional opportunity for both personal and professional growth, in addition to being a highly profitable, mutually beneficial working relationship.

What you just said was that you went to college and can do stuff, but what you just did was give them an administrative hard-on.

Of course, if it’s graduate school you’re interested in, there’s a whole new set of rules. When it comes to the personal statement, you want to sound conversational. After all, you’re basically asking some professor at some university if he would be so kind as to allow you to submit yourself to his will for the next two to six years; set the tone at least somewhat in your favor.

Sample:I hear the point of the personal statement is to let the admissions committee know why I even bothered to apply, and subsequently wow them with my wit and engaging personal story. Well, on the first count, I’ve decided to apply to graduate school for a variety of reasons; [insert reasons]. As for that engaging personal story, [insert endearing, slightly self-deprecating anecdote about overcoming adversity and persevering against all odds].

The statement of purpose is all on you though; I don’t know shit about art.

 

Super Senior,

 

What is your living situation like for your fifth year? I’m going to be the only one of my friends staying for more than four years and I’m not sure where I’m going to live and who I’m going to live with. What do you suggest I do?

 

So Ronery

 

This is precisely why you get to know at least two people who are a class or more below you. It is in this way that you can weasel yourself onto their lease when they become seniors.

If you have not done this, I would suggest one thing above all else: Do not find a roommate on Craigslist. It will end with one of them crying violently on the ground of your bedroom at 3 a.m. wearing sunglasses, screaming about the invisible stalker in the room. This is the sort of thing that’s funny when it happens in a movie.

Your life is not a movie.

To avoid it becoming one, I suggest doing the following in this order: Ask people you know if there’s anything available (if you haven’t done this already you’re pretty stupid), look at and post fliers on campus, check The Davis Enterprise and finally, use Facebook.

These options are ordered by decreasing social capital; the more you’re connected to the people you might be rooming with, the less likely things are to be shitty and the more you can blame someone else for not warning you if they get that way.

And if all else fails, sleep in the 24 hour reading room, shower at the ARC and cook using the microwaves at the Coho. I’m sure it’s been done.

 

K.C. CODY is tired of asking his friends for questions. Don’t be a stranger, send yours to kccody@ucdavis.edu.

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