There are some things in life you should never find yourself saying and if you do, you know that at some time or another, your life has gone off its rocker. Stuff like, “Dude, I’ll do anything you want me to do … just give me the drugs,” or “On a scale from one to 10, you’re probably like at a 5 with being the father of this baby,” or “Okay, okay … but how infectious is it really?” or “But she looked 18!” to name a few.
Fortunately, I have yet to say any of these things (except maybe the last one). But now that I’m about to be a grown up once I get out of here, I’ve realized how unaccomplished I have been so far. I have so many things that I’ve wanted to say in my life, or wish to say one day. So, here’s a few phrases that I hope to utter in my coming years.
“No thanks, I already have a boyfriend.“ How brilliant would it be to say this?! Not only do I (1) have a boyfriend, but (2) I also have someone vying for my attention and I have to reject them. That’s like … two more guys who want to be with me than I’m used to handling.
Of course, I know some girls who have had the privilege of saying this already or lie about it anyway when rejecting some guy’s advances. Sometimes, I try to stand next to these girls at bars so when the guy gets rejected, he could make eye contact with me and then hit on me after them. Then we’ll fall in love and get married.
Most of the time though, it doesn’t happen that way. They’ll just get rejected by said girl, glance over at me where they will find a more than willing Lynn Loo La with a gleaming smile on her face already staring back, and then turn back to the girl and say, “Um, now are you sure you have a boyfriend?”
“Hey stranger, you’re an asshole.“ Sans the part where I probably get my faced punched in after saying this, I always wanted to just tell a complete stranger that they’re being a total douche bag.
There are so many times in my life when I do nothing while someone else does the rudest thing to me or some other poor victim. It happens all the time: at the grocery store, in class or standing next to me in general as I follow them around (I swear, those guys are the rudest when they say stuff like, “Leave me alone, the restraining order says 100 feet,” or “I know you can see through my window that I’m calling the cops, Lynn!”). All because I can never think of something fast enough or I’m too chickenshit to say anything.
And if anyone out there says, “You should speak up!” I’m not talking about some waiter getting my order wrong (even though chances are I am still too scared to say anything lest they spit in my food). I’m talking about when I’m walking down the sidewalk and some husky guy in a car yells, “Damn you ugly!” or “Looks like I just stepped into Chinatown!” (both are, I kid you not, true stories – and you know I only say that when I mean it, baby).
Let me remind you that I’m a 98-pound Asian girl (who is actually from Vietnamtown, no less) who will probably get her ass handed to her in any sort of altercation. So I just stand there and take it like a bitch because there is no alternative.
Sometimes though, I run home and write in my diary about all the things I would do. Most of these stories include me with a crossbow (obviously, because they’re so common to have holding around) and me laughing over the corpse of the asshole. Then my mommy fixes me a grilled cheese sandwich and I feel happy inside again.
“But … I love my job.“ All jokes aside, I am so scared of ending up with a shithole of a job. Also, I know I won’t make a lot of money doing what I want to do, but at least I want to do it.
Plus, I know it would be a major luxury for anybody to say this phrase, so here’s hoping I’ll turn out to be the lucky few.
I put the “But …” there because I have a feeling I’m going to run into some form of justification for this job (either that or I’m saying this while getting fired). I’ll probably be some broke-ass writer saying this to my parents. That’s the best-case scenario anyway. Worst-case scenario, I’m a stripper who genuinely loves to take off her clothes whilst dancing and saying this at my high school reunion.
LYNN LA also wants to say other stuff like, “Oh my god. I. Have. So. Much. Money. It’s ridiculous.” If you have anything you’d wish to say in your life, e-mail her at email@example.com.