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Davis

Davis, California

Monday, July 26, 2021

Otherwise they’ll kill you

In high school, my friends and I had this saying – there are only three types of guys: the taken ones, the ones with the problems and the gay ones. All of which, of course, are unavailable to us gals.

Now our school was no small town girl living in a lonely world. We had over 4,000 students roaming about campus and my friends and I ended up dating a staggering zero percent of them. To help us sleep at night, we chanted,It’ll all be better in college, it’ll all be better in college. It has to be, shit … it’s got to be!”

Well, it’s college now and it ain’t looking up. I’m going to sound like a broken record here and I don’t know if it’s because it’s my last quarter that has made me suddenly realize this, but damnit, Davis really has a piss-ant amount of dateable guys out there.

First of all, there are the ones with the girlfriends. There you are, exchanging witty banter in class for weeks when all of a sudden, he drops some line out of left field like,Oh yeah, I love New York, my girlfriend and I just went last summer and …”

Wait up, holy shit … your what? Now it’s not like my whole world is crumbling apart, but still, would’ve been nice to get a little heads up! But then again, what could he have done? Introduced himself as,Hi my name is Ian, I’m a business major and I have a girlfriend so don’t get your hopes up“? That’s quite presumptuous of him.

Suddenly, it all seems like a waste. Any charming repartee you throw at him makes you think,Well? What’s the point?” All he’s going to do is go home and tell his girlfriend how this classmate said something funny today.

If you could, you’d ditch the guy, really. It sounds a little harsh but in all honesty, if I meet a great guy and I find out he has a girlfriend, the first thing I’m going to do is bail (and I’m sure his girlfriend wouldn’t mind that either).

And I absolutely hate it when a taken guy asks,Well, can’t we be friends?” Dude, fuck that. It’s fine if you already have female friends, but I’m not here to be your new friend. Coupled people just can’t make new friends who are single.

Frankly, I got enough male friends and I’m sure he’s a great guy (well I know he’s great because I’m attracted to him and someone’s already bagged the olturd). But I don’t really feel like spending the next few months hanging out, having a good time and laughing it up with a guy I will never have. And I especially don’t want to either (a) pine over a guy I might actually get sad over or (b) keep working at it and just wait for him to break up with her.

Then there are the guys with theissues.Your story with him usually goes something like this: you have a crush on this guy who is single and fantastic, and you’re wondering why no one has snagged him yet, and you go on a couple of dates with him, and then he does something completely retarded which makes you think,Oh yeah, that’s probably why.

There’s always that magic moment during dating bliss when the first red flag comes up. You could be at the park with him one day, hand-in-hand, and he runs up and kicks a puppy square in the face. That’s probably when the I-think-we-might-have-a-slight-problem-here thought occurs.

Or it could be as subtle as a guy who just doesn’t STFU about his ex, srsly. From the vacations he had with her, to the point in their relationship when he realized what true love was, or when he casually mentions,I think the girls I’ll date in the future just have to come to grips with the fact that I’ll probably never love anyone as much as I loved her.Both these guys just sort of makes you want to nod your head, pat them on the back, tell themWhelp, good luck to ya!” and make a break for it.

Lastly, there are the guys who bat for the other team. They’re funny, gorgeous, attentive and oh yeah, homosexual. My biggest relationship fear (and all my friends can vouch for this) is that I will fall head-over-heels with a man who will come out of the closet while being with me. He will then leave me and I will be alone, languishing over a guy I was genuinely in love with but now cannot be with because we both share the same interests of boinking other men.

 

LYNN LA wants you to pardon her French for this column. She usually doesn’t curse so much but she just needed to for this one. To ease her frustrations, e-mail her at ldla@ucfuckingdavis.edu.

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