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Thursday, December 9, 2021

Otherwise they’ll kill you

For the most part, the Beatles got it right about a lot of things: Yes, money can’t buy me love, all my troubles really did seem so far away yesterday, and of course, happiness is indeed a warm gun.

But I must wholeheartedly disagree with them when they suggest I should justlet it be.As in, some things just can’t be helped and so I should let them go. But in my life, it’s more like,let it fester,orlet it brew.In other words, I prefer to take the lower road; holding a grudge has become a lost art and it’s high time it made a comeback. Grudge is the new black, so bitter it up!

For one thing, I’m not self-righteous enough to be so forgiving. I’m powerless enough against boys who don’t love me, bosses who lay me off, and friends who ditch me at hotdog stands. All I can do in my capacity is hold a grudge – and hold it I shall, like a beast! (And when I say beast, I mean an Asian ghoul-type-thing with a bad case of scoliosis, an affinity for prank calls, a staring problem and a tendency to croak). Now if you guys are new to this concept, fear not my minions (aw, I haven’t said that in a long time). From me to you, here’s how to hold a grudge.

First, you must realize you aren’t thebigger person.If you think about it, you were never any sort of moral beacon. So why start now and pretend to be somebody way classier than you really are?

You never donated to charity, homeless people scare the shit out of you, and you’ve pretty much cheated your way through college. You’re basically a real nowhere man. Now who are you to all of a sudden want to leave the girl who broke your heart in such good, standing condition? So go on with your bad self and leave those messages on her voicemail where all you do is breathe heavily and recite her home address.

Relish in the petty behavior and makeem squirm. Sometimes I think staying classy is overrated. If your boyfriend breaks up with you, for example, and you have no future plans of ever being friends with him, why not buy a ticket to ride the crazycoaster? You’re still young and at the age when indulging in being nuts will become funny later on. Covering his car windows with Vaseline and pouring sand down his gas tank when I’m 64 will look sad and immature, but in my twenties? Comic gold.

So go ahead and take this rare opportunity to be that girl. Sure you guys only dated for three months. Under normal circumstances (read: Being sane), you would both forget about each other in a couple of months. But let’s try to make him remember you eight days a week, up until at least the next month of Forever. When you guys were together, you showed him love, sex and magic. Now that you guys are apart, it’s time to show him psychotic – now equipped with 80 percent more insanity via breaking into his social networking accounts.

All that dignity and respect you have can go away for a bit and come together again for later occasions (like your next relationship, for instance). For now, posting up pictures with you at the shooting range or bumping into your ex with a box full of propane tanks and explaining that it’s for your newpet projectare just simple ways of having fun at his expense (not to mention his mental health too).

Bathe in the haterade and eat it for breakfast. Having a grudge acknowledges two glorious things: (1) that you care enough about the person to go out of your way and make it look like you don’t care with a vengeance and (2) that you will accept the fact that it will get uncomfortable between the two of you. And. You. Will. Love. It.

Start by saying hello, goodbye to social decorum. Those painstaking moments of silence when you run into each other at the mall? Don’t try to fill it with meaningless chatter – extend it for as long as possible because it’s music to your ears. If your target is getting tired of your antics, offer an olive branch after a string of bad behavior. Perhaps a handmade card that reads,Maybe we can work it out,and a little lunch date that has shown her you’ve really matured and gotten past all this anger.

But then in your head you know you’re just trying to refill your gas tank of hatred because it’s going to be a long and winding road. You’re not done being evil yet, and not because you genuinely hate them (in fact, you’ve actually forgotten why you’re so angry in the first place) but because you’re bored and because it is sort of charming the way you want their lives to be as difficult and tense as possible. Because at the end of the day, it sort of gives you purpose and damn, it just feels good.

 

Help! LYNN LA wants to see if you can spot all 10 Beatles references in this column, so don’t let her down (the first four don’t count). Get back to her at ldla@ucdavis.edu.

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