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Davis

Davis, California

Thursday, July 29, 2021

Pants Optional

Some days it seems like Davis is a sad little pool of incest. Its necessary to state this only figuratively. Im not hating on people who actually partake in incest because, hell, you never know who youre gonna offend. What I mean is that this joint is packing something like 60 percent Bettys and 40 percent Dudes. Which means the act of recycling has to come into play.

There is nothing new about the concept of recycling. We humans are resourceful beings; we make do with what we have. Were more likely to be romantically involved with those within closer geographic proximity. Even though the cost of gas is down, no one wants to drive somewhere to score some tail when they could just walk across the street.

However, this leads to the heightened likelihood that you will get stuck with the hand-me-downs of an acquaintance. Look at all the Aaron Spelling dramas. Those hot ass people all sleep with each other. Its kind of like musical chairs with sex. Im pretty sure Brandon Walsh ended up getting with almost every chick in the zip code.

There are two different ways to look at this. Your morals can shrivel disgustedly at the idea of getting stuck with someones leftovers and ultimately discourage you from going for it, or you could ditch your morals like a televangelist and take the slightly more savage approach because youre a human being with needs. Its never right for us, really. If someone is too notorious a skank, it reduces their appeal, but if theyre a downright prude you wonder why nobody wants them.

Lets exemplify. Birds broke out into choruses of “November Rain when you first laid eyes on Stone Fox. But your stupid friend got him first. And then your other friend went for a ride the next weekend. Crap. Months later, you find yourself watching a movie with Stone Fox. Alone. In a dark room. With nothing except your drunk neighbors and their new guitar outside to break the mood. Maybe some yowling cats. What to do, what to do?

Retaining dignity and scoring some lovin are two actions that always seem to run in conflict to one another. If you succumb to those lustbunnies, you worry about him thinking youre just another Saturday night skeeze. And yet, hes so pretty … damn it.

As much as you may love your friends, knowing that they got there first may involuntarily cause you to throw up in your mouth a little bit. After all, not too many people know where theyve been and what theyve been picking up along the way better than you do.

However, if you ultimately figure that you cant fight the moonlight, you could always just ask in a half-assed attempt to not piss off your friend. Itll go something like this: Youll casually bring it up, shell laugh it off and insist that she doesnt care because shes “so over that idiot even though she has a picture of him tucked into her pillowcase and stripped for him on webcam the night before. She may also warn you about a weird sexual habit of his in hopes that it will deter youthis will probably backfire. Shell inevitably find out via the gossip mill and proceed to hold a secret internal grudge against you for months.

If she ends up marrying Stone Fox, I dont know what to tell ya except that it happens all the time. I actually wonder how many weddings take place every year in which the bride and best man or the groom and the maid of honor have gotten their freak on.

Again, everything is a matter of perspective. If youre the one whos going for it, its okay, but there is little so sleazy as the guy who puts the moves on members of the same social group. Chicks never shut up, its true, and we tell each other everything. So you will eventually be found out, and once we get over being all butthurt about the fact that you didnt even have the decency to change your pickup line, we will come to find that there is much fun in entrapping a douchebag with his own lies.

 

MICHELLE RICK wishes everyone a wonderful picnic day with plenty owhiskey and a reason to get frisky. Send comments (sober and otherwise) to marick@ucdavis.edu.

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