So I’ve got a date lined up this weekend, and she wants to watch a movie. The catch is that she’s making me pick one, but we haven’t been dating long and I’ve got no idea what to go with. Any suggestions?
– Ghost of Siskel
Of course I have suggestions, I’m the mother lovin‘ super senior biotch!
First suggestion: nothing with Hugh Grant. If you watch anything with Hugh Grant you become infected with Pansy Flu and no one will ever love you again. Also, the only Will Smith movie you’re allowed to watch is Independence Day (in extreme cases, Men in Black is acceptable), ‘cause the chick is hot and a bunch of cool shit goes down.
Anyway you’ve got your own (hopefully) hot chick to impress with your Ebert-like discretion in cinema, so let’s get down to business. In order to prevent your Region 1 Disk getting rejected by her Region 2 loading bay (make sure there’s no scratches and that you rub the disk off before you go over), here are the flicks you should consider.
If she’s interested in a little chuckle with her cuddle, might I suggest the best romantic comedy of all time, When Harry Met Sally. Not only does it offer up an exceedingly accurate synthesis of Ladder Theory (Google it) early in the film, it definitely gives you something to talk about with the small spoon afterwards. That said, the orgasm scene in the restaurant will make you doubt all women for all time, so be warned.
Now this one’s a little under the radar, but Don Juan DeMarco is guaranteed to get her all twitterpated. It’s cute, it’s clever, it’s funny and it’s got Johnny Depp. Besides, he drops mad lines that you’d do well to imitate as often as possible: “Although there is no metaphor that truly describes making love to a woman … the closest is playing a rare musical instrument. I wonder, does a Stradivarius violin feel the same rapture as the violinist, when he coaxes a single perfect note from its heart?” Boo-yah!
I would also recommend a little film called Roxanne from 1987. It’s got Steve Martin, so it’s legit. More importantly, though, is the fact that it’s based on a relatively unknown play, Cyrano de Bergerac, which is right up there with anything Shakespeare ever did in terms of panty-dropping efficacy.
Then there’s the nuclear option: The Notebook. And it really is the nuclear option; it has devastatingly effective short-term results (so long as you don’t mind her yelling “Noah!” mid-coitus), but the fallout is disastrous. It sets a dangerously high precedent, and over time only serves to remind her of how lame you are.
If none of that is your thing, you could always make this a sort of test for her; pick a movie that puts your formidable manhood on display like a peacock … err … lion. Yeah. A lion. Or a bull. Or a bear. Come to think of it, anything would be better than a peacock.
For this endeavor, I suggest Gladiator, 300, Rambo, Predator, Rocky, Full Metal Jacket, Braveheart, Platoon and anything with Clint Eastwood (except Bridges of Madison County). If she digs it, congratulations, you’ve got yourself a keeper.
I’ve seen this guy a few times around the DC and campus. I was immediately enamored by his magnificent facial hair and although I knew he would be graduating soon, I hadn’t realized until recently, through a couple friends who have seen his Facebook, that he’ll be going out of state. I’m completely heartbroken and don’t know what to do with myself. I wish my roof would collapse on me so I wouldn’t have to feel this pain. You look like a man of wisdom. What do you think I should do?
– Your love is a verb, here in my room (Kate)
(See also: “What Goes Around?” 3/6/2009)
I gotta hand it do you, you got balls. Big ones. And I dunno if I can keep up.
But I’ll try.
So now that you’re aware that the object of your desires will only be in your geographic area for another 10 weeks, it may be tempting to press the issue. Don’t. Rushing makes you sloppy, haste less focused, anxiety more frantic. You’ve got time, all the time in the world in fact, to see where this takes you.
For example, I know a couple that got together just weeks before he left for college … and just weeks before she started her junior year. They’ve now been dating for over four years.
So it’s entirely possible to get involved with people even when geography rears its ugly head. Most people don’t, and just use it as an excuse to get real freaky naughty without feeling too guilty.
Nonetheless, you’ve got an interesting situation on your hands and while you shouldn’t rush, you should move decisively toward your ultimate goal.
That is, now that you know what his room looks like (even that he has panty-dropper Incubus lyrics written on his wall) and have a basic understanding of the layout of his house, you could potentially navigate both in the dark. I’m not advocating anything, I’m just saying … knowledge is power you know?
If that’s a bit too aggressive for you (or him … which it is, by the way) you might try a different approach. Maybe, the next time you see him in the DC or on campus or generally being a hunk around town, you should do what has been up to this point unthinkable and is for the vast majority of people the single most difficult thing to do to a member of the opposite sex; walk up, and say hi.
I know, it’s brazen. I know it’s bold. I know it’s blatant. I know it’s barefaced. I know it’s brash. I know lots of words that start with the letter b. But damn it, like any good teen movie you need some kind of cathartic revelation that resolves the pain and suffering in your heart before the ticking clock stops ticking.
Oh, and having experienced a bit of a roof problem myself, I can assure you that your roof would likely not be enough to put you out of your misery in the event of architectural fail; drywall, even when not dry, isn’t very heavy.
However, I appreciate the sentiment, and I can only hope you see the folly in escaping emotional pain by giving up on life. Rather, you should smother the emotional pain with OxyContin; it’s worked really well for Rush Limbaugh, and if a man with that much physical, er, emotional, baggage can find solace in a pill, then I have a feeling you could too.
K.C. CODY only has two more of these advice columns left. Send questions on all the issues you absolutely, positively, categorically, unconditionally must get resolved by then to firstname.lastname@example.org.