For some, this may have happened last night; for most of you, though, it’s as foreign as a foreign language. It’s not just something you do, but it’s also something that happens. Most of the time it takes place in a bed that is, well, lofted. There have been those rare instances, however, in which the “loft effect” was successful with a few furniture rearrangements. And if utilized correctly, the “loftee” will find it hard to resist the “lofter.”
By now, you’re scratching your head with a puzzled look on your face, right?
About three years ago, a few friends created this so-called loft effect after one of them – a male – managed to get 11 girls (not an exaggeration) in his lofted bed at once. The last girl who stayed didn’t leave until the morning, thus proving the ultimate goal of the loft effect.
You’re probably wondering what the hell this loft thing is, and why you should care about it. Well, I’ll tell you. The loft effect has been defined by one if its creators as “using a physical or geographic barrier in order make it more difficult for the opposite sex to leave your room once you already have them inside; the goal, of course, is to tap that.”
If you’re still perplexed, here’s an example:
“Dude, check out that massive loft effect made by Eric, placing his bed up on a loft with a stepladder and having four couches, a fan, and a cardboard cow between the ladder and the door. Girls are never going to be able to leave his room.” (I don’t really know how you would get in, but that’s the lofter’s problem.)
While the loft effect is degrading on many levels, it’s also quite humorous if you think about it. It just proves how low some guys – even if they are my friends – have to go to get a girl to sleep with them. A skilled lofter, my friend Brian Goldberg, says a lofting expert is someone who achieves the “seemingly impossible task of getting a girl to climb high up into a bed in a room with them.” He adds that after lofting once, “one tends to prefer lofting to normal bed situations in the future.”
So if you find yourself in a room with a guy who has a lofted bed, take this as a warning of what might come next.
Why do I feel a pressing need to share the loft effect with you? Well, if you haven’t guessed already, I have been lofted. I found the experience, umm, thrilling? Who would have guessed that climbing up a ladder and being about six feet off the ground would have added that little something extra? If nothing else, it serves as a means of privacy from all the drunkards stumbling through the hallway that might “accidentally” enter someone’s bedroom before the sun rises.
I spoke with a few people who have also had the pleasure – in more ways than one – of being lofted. A friend of mine had some issues to express. She finds it annoying because when nature calls, it’s no easy task getting to the nearest bathroom. (Agreed.) It promotes laziness. It can be terrifying – especially if you’re afraid of heights – to be bumping and grinding when you and your partner could potentially fall off the bed. (Not a pretty sight.)
Unfortunately, it can’t be avoided if you’re dating someone whose bed is in a loft. My friend has accepted the loft and the boyfriend that comes with it.
Don’t get me wrong, people – this isn’t some act I take part in on a daily basis. Nor is it something I choose to promote. My experience consisted of sharing a bed that’s higher than normal with someone whom I was in a committed relationship with. I was never trapped or had to hurdle seven couches to escape. It started as a joke, and remains that way today.
Women should never be pressured to engage in any sexual activity they don’t feel comfortable with, and guys should understand that there’s more to a girl’s heart than getting in her pants.
ERICA BETNUN is trying to rearrange her room to gain maximum loft effect. If anyone has any ideas, please e-mail her at firstname.lastname@example.org.