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Davis, California

Monday, April 15, 2024

Column: Knowledge bombs

I’m no good at Halloween. My costumes are usually lackluster, and my adventures are nothing to boast of – nothing that wouldn’t happen on an average Saturday. This past Halloween, however, I made it a point to change all of that for you, my readers.

It started off simple: four friends, two liters of grain alcohol and four identical Chewbacca costumes. Things got really weird when this guy Gustave from Luxembourg crashed our party with a pair of live geese and a transsexual stripper named Wunderbar.

With all that in mind, sit back and relax as I tell you how we all ended up in the Yolo County Jail, charged with arson, the theft of a UC Davis fire truck and the defilement of an entire flock of sheep.

Well, no, none of that’s true. Like I said, I’m no good at Halloween. I did nothing out of the ordinary, even though Halloween involves two of my all-time favorite things:

1. Scantily clad women.

2. Mischief.

Maybe I just look for Halloween in the wrong places. If that’s the case, feel free to invite me to whatever you’re doing next Halloween. Anyway, October is over, which means it’s time to get excited for the real holiday. It’s the best day of the year, the one when all the magic happens.

Of course, I’m talking about Thanksgiving – a holiday that involves the next two things on my list of favorites:

3. Eating turkey to the point of falling asleep.

4. Drinking beer to the point of falling asleep.

If I had to add a fifth item to this growing list, I might throw in:

5. Sleeping in a really nice bed, but only if numbers one and two are involved. (Zing!)

If only there was a way to get these two holidays to join forces. Thanksween. Hallogiving. That would be the real winner. Congress could give us all a week or two off to really enjoy it.

Now that I look at it, they basically revolve around the same two core principles. Thanksgiving is all about eating birds and drinking beer, and Halloween is all about drinking beer and trying to eat out some birds. (Heyo!)

Damn, I’m on a roll. If that last one was over your head, you might need to have a talk with your parents.

Moving right along, as a veteran of five years of college warfare, I have been thinking an interesting addition to this column could come in the form of a “question and answer” segment, where you (the readers) send a question or problem that I (the sage) will lend advice or insight to.

This could be a lot of fun, especially if one of you out there is really messed up, or if I have nothing else in particular to talk about. (Kind of like right now, for example. That’s all I’ve got on Halloween and Thanksgiving.)

Before we get into this, however, I’ll set up some ground rules. I will never answer any serious questions like “how do I break up with my girlfriend?,” or “how do I get a girlfriend in the first place?,” because I have no credentials in either of those fields. I could, however, help out in the categories of causing ruckuses (rucki?), pulling pranks on deserving friends/roommates or answering which beer is best (Old Rasputin.)

Something else I have always wanted to do is impose fake names onto people. For instance, maybe a guy named Chris sends me something like:

“Dear Will, I really want to buy a boom box, but I can’t afford one. What can I do?”

No offense, but Chris is a not a thrilling name. In my column, you would get a brand new name – one with kick, with flavor.

“Dear Griffandolo,” I might answer, “Get a job. The bums lost.”

There is my idea. With your help, this column can go to the next level. We can turn it up to 11. So, send me some interesting questions or predicaments, or even some situations that you’ve gotten yourself into. Maybe someone was reading the beginning of this column and thought, “What the hell? Is this guy trying to take credit for what I did with that Chewbacca costume?”

Sorry if I stole anyone’s thunder with that one. I had nothing to do with any Halloween arson. I was in bed around one in the morning because I was so … sleepy. (See, that’s why you need to e-mail me your questions. Otherwise, you’ll have to deal with just me, and I got bad jokes for days.)

With that said, I open my doors to all of your trials and tribulations, and I’ll try my best to help.

Of course, I only mean your laughable and comedic trials and tribulations. If it’s serious, I can’t help you. Call someone else. Try the Ghostbusters. Or Batman. I hear he’s good with family issues.

WILL LONG would be unstoppable if he had Alec Baldwin’s voice and Clint Eastwood’s scowl. Also, if anyone’s driving to LA for Thanksgiving, holler at him at wclong@ucdavis.edu. He needs a ride.


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