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Davis, California

Tuesday, September 21, 2021

Column: Not only you and me

You must have been living under a rock if you haven’t heard the latest from my girl Britney Spears. Her new single, simply called “3,” is a hot and steamy track with particularly racy content – even for the sex-sells-bare-all Princess of Pop.

I’ll make it easy on you and cut to the chase: The song is about a threesome. You know, getting down and dirty with more than one other person.

Despite my love for the single and Britney herself, I couldn’t help but realize how opposed I was to the idea of a threesome. I’m sorry for being traditional and monogamous for an edgy and chic homosexual (oh, shut up – you know I am), but the idea of sharing my sexual partner with some other beez just doesn’t fly with me.

I’m my boyfriend’s only sex star. The only ass he should be pounding is mine. You think I’m letting someone steal my hot and sweaty thunder? Not gonna happen.

So when I started talking to some friends about their opinions of ménage à trois, I was surprised to find many of them would be open to the idea. After I picked my jaw off the floor, I shook my head in disgust: “Eww, I’d never be in a threesome.”

Then they pounced on me. It was a frenzied whirlwind of angry backlashes, but I did manage to catch, “What’s wrong with threesomes?” “Why are you such a prude?” and “How can you go wrong with an extra dick in the mix?”

My apologies but “the more the merrier” doesn’t bode too well with my sex life. There are plenty of reasons for my hesitation to get freaky in the sheets with two others instead of one. Yet, my friends’ comments made me mull over their eagerness and my reluctance for group sex.

Why are my friends so pro-trio? Am I just too old-fashioned? Am I really a prude? I couldn’t help but wonder: Why are threesomes so alluring?

Of course, this is a question I can’t answer myself. So I went to my trusty (and “sexually experienced,” apparently) friends to see what they had to say.

“Threesomes are fun!” a few exclaimed. I must admit, I have some pretty courageous friends – mind you, I won’t reveal any names. I can tell you, however, that I could discern a sense of satisfaction as they thought back on their triads.

They all enjoyed being a part of a threesome because the experience was an excitingly new one. It was like unfurling the sails for a voyage on an uncharted sea – or in this case, two uncharted seas. It was thrilling, intoxicatingly delicious. Being in a threesome was an even greater adrenaline rush, and in the end, my friends say the orgasm was euphoric.

“We’re all curious and want to explore – threesomes are the perfect way to do it!” When it comes to sex, curiosity doesn’t kill the cat; it brings out the sexual adventurer in you, apparently. To my friends, sex is simple. It’s just sex – and a threesome is merely another medium, if you will, to practice the art form.

“Hey, we’re in college. We’re supposed to be reckless and naughty,” said one particularly risqué acquaintance. “A threesome is just another angle, another way to practice the craft of intercourse.”

“In a serious relationship, adding a third could liven up a very stagnant sex life.” If you and your partner are experiencing a few shortcomings in the sex department (mind the pun), you can spice things up by inviting someone extra to your tango.

I’m told a threesome could re-spark the sex fuse between the two of you. It could even be fun, I hear – the scoping out of a potential lover, the selection process, the new person in your bed, etc. As long as rules and boundaries are firmly set (yeah, I don’t know what that means, either), nothing can go wrong when you splash a third ingredient into your sex stew.

After hearing what all my friends had to say, I must admit I get it. I get their reasoning and understand their fetishes. To each his own, I suppose.

So, I’ve made a vow: I, Mario Lugo, will not judge you if you decide to have some fun, explore your sexual desires and invite a third person to join in for sex. Hell, invite as many as you want.

As for me, I’ll think about it.

MARIO LUGO thought about it and no, he still wants to be the only ass his boyfriend pounds. E-mail him at mlugo@ucdavis.edu to either congratulate him for sticking to his guns or send him hate mail for being so prudish.

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