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Wednesday, September 22, 2021

Column: What I hate about you

It’s Friday night, my boyfriend Arthur and I are cuddled on the couch watching Casablanca and my roommate Jaz comes in the front door after a classic dinner-and-a-movie.

“How was your date?” I ask, sniffling. (Yes, I was crying – Bogart’s simply heartbreaking.)

“He kept talking during the movie and he ate the last breadstick at dinner. He didn’t even offer it to me! I hate that!” she replies, visibly annoyed. “But he’s got a good butt!”

Like any good writer who’s thirsty for topics to cover in a dating/relationship/love/lust/sex column would do, I used Jaz’s unfortunate first date to my advantage.

I got to thinking. We all have pet peeves – things that just get under our skin and drive us insane while on a date (or in bed, if we get that far).

So this is where the title comes in. Here’s a list of seven things that totally kill a date or ensure a bad sexy time for me:

1. You chew with your mouth open.

Proper dining etiquette is quite the turn-on for a guy like me. A cute guy who sits up straight, doesn’t place his elbows on the table and treats waiters kindly is sure to get into my pants. But once I hear that smacking and can see his food being chomped on in his mouth, I get grossed out. I want to date a classy gentleman, not a slob.

2. You’re more interested in your phone than in me.

Duh, bitch. You’re on a date with me, not the people you’re texting. Is wanting a guy to talk to me during a date too much to ask? Whether he’s actually considering a relationship or if he’s just hoping he gets lucky tonight, he should be softening me up with words. Tweeting or sending texts about me to his friends won’t cut it.

3. You don’t do anything about awkward silences.

I hate sitting in uncomfortable quietness during a date. I prefer a guy who can talk, make me laugh, intrigue me with anecdotes. A while back, I went on a date with a loser who literally said nothing besides “I’ll have the spaghetti, please, but can you add mushrooms?” They forgot his mushrooms and I just forgot to take him home with me. Oops.

4. You’re indecisive.

I hate spending time on deciding what movie to see, where to eat or what sex position to be in. A guy who can’t make up his mind is annoying. If you can take charge and be like “Hey bitch, we’re watching Juno, we’re ordering pizza and later we’ll [insert sex position here],” then you’re my kind of guy.

5. You have no idea what to do with your hands.

If things go well and my date doesn’t show any hints of pet peeves numbers one through four, he gets in my bed. When in bed, it drives me nuts when a guy knows how to caress me and run his hands along every contour of my body. So if he’s just lying there and not touching me, he’s not finishing. Literally.

6. Just because we’re having sex doesn’t mean you have to stop talking.

Like I said, I like a guy who can smooth talk – and that includes during sex. Dirty talk always makes things harder (wink wink) and calling me your “dirty little bitch” won’t offend me. Bonus if you’re demanding; I like being told what to do.

I once dated this guy who didn’t say anything during sex. He didn’t even moan. Not cute.

7. I’m not your number one.

Obviously, this is the most important one. I absolutely hate it when the guy I’m dating isn’t as emotionally invested as I am. I’m a lover; I’ve got tons of love to give. When I date someone, I give him my all. I don’t hold back. And it breaks my heart when all my affection isn’t reciprocated.

And the little things count, too. Holding my hand, sweet kisses on the cheek, little spanks on the butt when no one’s looking – it’s all gold. If a guy isn’t lusting after me every second of the day, he’s history.

I’m not ashamed of who I am or whom I date – and the guy I date shouldn’t be either. I need a guy who’s just as comfortable with himself as I am with me. If you’re willing to hold my hand in a sea of homophobes or leave my bedroom window blinds open when we have some “fun,” then we’re the perfect match.

However, if you exhibit pet-peeve-numbers-one-through-seven behavior, you and I will never be.

MARIO LUGO wants to know about your pet peeves because these were pretty subjective. (Well, duh. It’s my column.) E-mail him at mlugo@ucdavis.edu to give him your seven things.

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