It all started with a Facebook post: “Christopher Civil: I FOUND IT!!! I am (slightly) embarrassed by how much time I spent on this.” He’s referring to the legendary “Birds and the Bees” column that Sara Kohgadai wrote for The Aggie last year. Chris thinks it’s the greatest description of college-aged relationships since season four of the OC when the suspiciously old/hot high school students go off to college.
Kohgadai implores you to just do what you love, and that special someone will sooner or later find his/her way to you. My optimistic side LOVES that message – how empowering! But my pessimistic side (we’ll call him Davesbad) drags me right back down:
“Fool, you’ve been doing what you love for the past two decades and the furthest it’s gotten you is that one time you danced semi-close to that one chick at a rave in Freeborn.”
Sigh. I would say nine times out of 10, it’s not that I’m doing anything wrong in particular. No, it’s more that certain people, like hipsters and pretty girls, use their subtle fucking antics to ensure that I don’t get into any relationship – ever. It’s almost like [pick your imaginary cosmic force of choice: God’s, Yahweh’s, Allah’s, Krishna’s, Will Smith-in-the-Fresh-Prince-years’] way of making my life miserably devoid of action:
“Ha! You’re trying to GET with a girl? Wait … wait … are you serious?! HAHAH! OH MY ME … GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY! HEY, JESUS, YOU GOTTA SEE THIS … LEAVE SOME OF THAT GUAC FOR CHRIS FARLEY … HE’S STARVING.”
Hipsters that are really fucking cool and ironic actually don’t know the first thing about the funny shirts that they wear. (Talk about irony.) I once met a particularly well-dressed hipster who had a really cool Pokémon shirt with a Charizard on it. I asked him if had recently bought the Diamond version of Pokémon. No dice. Does he have Gold/Silver? Nope. You must have played Red/Blue, right? Negatory. Have you even played Pokémon?! No sir.
Hipsters get all the cute nerdy girls they want because they’re crooks, liars and whores. They took the only thing nerdy people had and packaged it neatly into t-shirts so American Apparel could make a buck.
I shudder to think what would happen if hipsters stole computers and made them “cool.” No, wait! They already did! It’s called a Mac! FUUUUCK! My Intel Core 2 Duo E6750 Conroe (which is rated at a slow 2.66 GHz) wouldn’t be overclocked to 3.6 GHz with good temps. You’re going to steal my thunder there, too, with the sticker-laden MacBook you use to write your English 3 papers and edit videos of you doing track stands on your fixed gear? Fuck you! You’re the reason I’m not getting any ass!
Speaking of not getting any ass, pretty girls who are overtly hostile to me need to calm down. Okay, I’ll admit I’m a huge, hairy animal. I’m not exactly the model boy-toy and I’m pretty nerdy. Plus, I have an odd habit of being a transvestite on Halloween (you may have seen me on campus in a Target dress with oversized leggings and Fuggs. Or you may have seen me oddly tucked in a Facebook photo of all your friends).
All those things aside, you don’t need to look away from me if I smile at you. Every time I get this response from a pretty girl, I imagine them thinking, “Please don’t mount me. I just want to get to Wellman.” Jesus Christ, don’t flatter yourself. A look is harmless, especially from someone as impotent as me. I’m a single, 21-year-old guy who hasn’t been in a relationship since the time my Narwhal girlfriend Jessica Hornsby and I got married in my head back when I was nine. Do yourself a favor and accept the compliment if you see someone smiling at you. Shit, you might even consider smiling back, but that may be asking for too much.
All Narwhal jokes aside, being a columnist has one very nice perk: It offers me a podium from which I can get rid of my horrible singleness. Or so I hope. So here’s to all single women in Davis who may (in some alternate dimension) be interested in dating me: I may not be hotter than ex-Chancellor Vanderhoef, but I can definitely be a good boyfriend. You don’t think I like watching lighthearted, romantic movies and cuddling? I was weeping at the end of The Notebook. And it wasn’t because I ran out of popcorn … or butter.
By the way, Rachel McAdams is hawwwt.
DAVE KARIMI thinks if you’re interested in a funny guy who is sensitive and caring, you should e-mail him at email@example.com so we can set something up. A conversation over a wine and cheese picnic somewhere along the Greenbelt sounds nice.