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Sunday, September 26, 2021

Column: Whack Friday

Black Friday, the annual post-Thanksgiving day of deals, hits stores next week. Whether you’re into clothes, electronics or rampant consumerism, there’s bound to be something cheap for you to buy – especially if you’re willing to put in the effort.

It’s a great day for competitive capitalist America when people literally kill each other over deals. And at the same time, China is probably benefiting more from the day’s cheap prices than the stores are themselves in this economy (ironic, or totally appropriate?). It’s a win-win and a lose-lose all at once.

On the whole, stuff like laptops, RAM and televisions are some of the hottest and cheapest Black Friday items you’ll find next week. Chances are you’re not going to actually buy them unless you seriously try, though. If you’re not sleeping in lines at five in the morning, there’s a good chance you’ll miss most of deals altogether.

Here’s some pessimism for all shoppers looking for an excuse to avoid the lines. The following will be surely absent from all Black Friday activities.

Jesus Christ

Sorry, everyone. Jesus won’t be shopping for deals on Black Friday this year. Save all your “shopocalypse” jokes for later, bloggers – Jesus is too busy playing Modern Warfare 2, answering prayers and landing 360 kickflips to plan out the rapture. Rest assured knowing judgment day is still pretty far down the line. Shop without fear of the Lord. Or with fear of the Lord. Whatever.

Coke at Costco

Food and drink aren’t typical Black Friday specialties, unless you count the inevitable maze of candy in the check out lines at Fry’s. Nonetheless, price competition is serious business. Costco recently decided to discontinue stocking of all Coca-Cola products, because Coca-Cola reportedly isn’t willing to keep up with Costco’s lower profit-shirking prices. They aren’t removing them from the shelves completely, but restocking is indefinitely on hold.

So why such a dramatic act? Who cares? It’s a price war. Black Friday’s spirit of discounts parallels this perfectly. If you aren’t willing to cut prices – even for a day – don’t expect popularity. I’m with Costco on this one. We’re in a recession and Coke is overrated. Competitive pricing is what Black Friday is all about, and Costco usually wins at everything.

Pirates

Best Buy and Sears are having pretty decent DVD sales, but why buy when you can download?

I might be wrong, though – music and movie pirates love to tell me they always buy what they download. This makes illegal downloading perfectly justifiable. I mean, who could argue with that logic?

Bela Lugosi

You probably won’t find this man at Black Friday, because he’s dead. But speaking of cheap DVDs, you’ll find both Lugosi and Boris Karloff in the 1940 horror film “Black Friday.” This movie couldn’t be more appropriate.

Or you could stay at home and download it, like the pirates are doing.

Justin T. Ho

Personally, I don’t need anything at the moment. So I’m going to skip Black Friday this year. This isn’t to say I morally disagree with the day – I love a good deal and I enjoy mob mentality. Rather, I really don’t need any more crap in my apartment than I already have.

Every Thanksgiving, I drive down to Los Angeles and bring back whatever I think I’m going to use. This can range from nostalgic old toys like yo-yos and Legos to my dad’s ’80s artifacts, records and awesome jackets.

Moving out of my apartment is going to suck, because I’m still moving in.

JUSTIN T. HO is renting a car this Thanksgiving, and plans to bring up plenty of retro analogue crap from his room. E-mail him other things you might not find at arts@theaggie.org.

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