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Tuesday, September 21, 2021

Column: Accepting the sparkly vampire-boyfriends

As the release date of The Twilight Saga: New Moon movie draws nearer, so does the excitement (and delusion) of crazy fangirls (and guys). I swear, the anticipation can be heard all over campus.

So I’m sitting blissfully on the bus when the silence is abruptly broken by the sound of a high-pitched female voice squealing to her friend.

“Aw! I looveee Twilight. Loveee Edward.”

Obviously, she has quite the devotion to this fictional character. Her friend responds with an equally ecstatic declaration of how she’s more interested in Twilight than Harry Potter because it’s packed with romance. And because the reading comprehension level meets that of an elementary school student. (Well, maybe not those exact words, but I assume that’s what she meant by “It’s easier to understand.”)

It’s quite embarrassing to hear girls react to a pale vampire with such insane enthusiasm. There are shrines dedicated to him and girls who ditch their boyfriend’s phone calls to blog about Edward.

This infatuation appears to be the root of all the bashing that “Twilight is overrated.”

It’s true the fangirls may go overboard with the exclamation points. The characters are too flat and unrealistic. The prince charming message may be flawed, too. It gets a little tiresome hearing the same old complaints about a fictional story.

So for the sake of playing devil’s advocate and for the purpose of this column, I’m claiming that BASHING on Twilight is overrated. Yes, that’s correct. It’s time to tear down the never-ending list of “Reasons why I hate Twilight.” Here it goes.

Complaint No. 1: “Edward’s skin SPARKLES. What the heck?! What’s up with that?”

Okay, so this is a common complaint, but you’re complaining that he has smooth, clean, exfoliated skin? Jealous much? I’d take sparkling skin over dull, pimply, pubescent skin any day. But maybe that’s just me.

Complaint No. 2: “Bella is dumb/clumsy/stupid/moronic. How dense can the girl get?”

Well, girls, are you really that much better than her? If a sexy chunk of cement fell for you, you’d probably be just as crazed and dumbstruck as Bella is. You’d also be a babbling idiot and fall head over heels for him. Literally.

Complaint No. 3: “Edward is just wayyy too powerful and dominant. Do you see his physical strength? It’s crazy – too much. He must be on steroids.”

One word: vampire. He’s a vampire. He’s a man. He’s a vampire-man. Not a metro girly-man. End of story.

Complaint No. 4: “Bella and Edward have an unhealthy relationship. They experience a few too many rollercoaster emotions.”

Sure, Bella may be suicidal, bipolar and suffer from a lack of self-esteem, but at least she’s in a relationship with a beast of a human. How many of you can say that?

Complaint No. 5: “Harry Potter is way better than Twilight.”

Since there’s no doubt Harry Potter is better (no doubt in my mind, at least), it really comes down to this: Would you rather hear jokes about Harry’s “wand” or jokes about the commonality between Edward and a Christmas tree? I guess “neither” would be the answer. But at least Twilight isn’t in a worse position than Harry Potter in this case. (By the way, the answer to the second question is they both have balls for decoration.)

All right, honestly, I’m not even playing devil’s advocate here, but Twilight ain’t all that bad. Sure, there may be sparkly vampires, dumb chicks and self-inflicted pain, but at least the sparkly vampires are hot, Bella is easy to ignore, and the self-inflicted pain produces a half-demon child. (Yes, I just gave away the ending of book four.) It’s that simple.

TIFFANY LEW is not a big enough fangirl to tolerate a bunch of screaming tweens at the New Moon midnight release, but if you’re planning on attending, contact her at tjlew@ucdavis.edu.

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