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Davis, California

Monday, April 22, 2024

Column: Change your diaper

I’ll admit it: I called the Hope for Haiti Now telethon like 30 times trying to get through to Kevin Jonas. Let’s just say it didn’t work out exactly as planned. What’s more, I texted “HAITI” to “90999” because I was curious how they can charge $10 for a simple text-bomb. I now have $2.96 left in my bank account.

The fact that I have enough money to buy three Slim Jims from 7-11 has nothing to do with Haiti. No, it’s thanks to the goddamn overdraft fees that banks have.

Banks like Golden 1-for-me-and-none-for-you Credit Union and Shitty Bank (to borrow from Bill Maher) are mostly to blame. When I first came to Davis, I thought there was some mystical connection between Golden 1 and Nugget Market. Apparently, I was woefully misinformed.

The concept of overdraft fees is the biggest pile of grade-A bullshit I’ve ever seen. Let’s look at an ideal scenario: you put X amount of money in the bank, then you spend X amount of money. Here’s what the banks do instead:

“Say there, Dave. Looks like that McChicken with cheese and extra mayo costs 20 cents more than you thought. Don’t worry – we’ll cover you. But because we’re so generous, we’ll have to charge you $33. It makes perfect sense. Plus, we won’t notify you if you do this one, two, three, four or five time in a day. We wouldn’t want you finding out about this, right? Ha-ha! We want to milk your ass for what it’s worth. Good luck with financing your tuition!”

Assholes! That’s the only way I can describe this system. When the fuck did my debit card turn into a credit card? If I don’t have money, I don’t want to spend it. It’s as simple as that. Now they have this “overdraft protection fee” if you don’t want to get charged 30-plus dollars a pop. What kind of logic is that? I HAVE TO SPEND MONEY SO THAT THE BANK WON’T ALLOW ME TO SPEND MONEY I DON’T HAVE.

I’m no hippie, but it’s annoying nonetheless. But hey, I can’t complain. Our society is to blame. The profit motive is prime, right?

I’m going to downshift for a moment and discuss some more important matters. Recently, I’ve been getting e-mails and suggestions from friends that say I should apply to become an orientation leader for UC Davis. A quick look on the Aggie Job Link website shows that orientation leaders get paid $3,000 dollars for half a summer. That’s an amazing deal, no doubt, and one that is ripe with ferocious competition.

All orientation leaders are eager to help first-years make their transition to college a smooth and educational one. And by that, I mean they’re eager to get paid THREE THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS. I guess that’s one way of bringing in talent, right?

Anyway, I’m not going to apply to become an orientation leader this summer for multiple reasons. Chief among them: I’ve already applied TWICE. I never got past the second round of interviews. And the worst part is when I e-mail them to ask what I can do to improve, they give me canned, bureaucratic, generic, bullshit answers like, “We had an overwhelming amount of humanities majors apply this year, and we are deeply sorry for being such assholes.” Well…they didn’t say the last part, but in my head they did.

I know what it is. I know why they didn’t hire me. I’m a colossal, terrorist-looking, brown man with a beard I haven’t shaved in months. Do you think they want to scare parents and students shitless before coming in the fall? That’s the LAST thing they want. I can imagine a generic UC Davis dad whispering to his wife: “When did they start hiring camel jockeys for this job? Bullshit. Jessica is going to Pepperdine.”

DAVE KARIMI thinks you should still text “HAITI” to “90999” because you’ll be doing something good for humanity. If you were offended by this column, then you can 1) go fuck yourself because he’s been called a “camel jockey” before, then 2) send him an e-mail at dkarimi@ucdavis.edu so you can satiate your fragile “offended” egos.


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