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Monday, November 29, 2021

Column: Boo to the booty pop

In this era of hair extensions, Bump-Its and the Booty Pop, I’d imagine it’s difficult for those that pursue women to know what they’re actually getting. Fortunately, this isn’t a problem I have to deal with, but I feel for those that do.

All I’m saying is it seems like people today have the tough task of distinguishing the real assets of a woman from the fake. And the new “feature enhancing” products on the market aren’t making the job any easier.

Let me break down some definitions for those of you that are unfamiliar. First, there’s the Booty Pop. No, this is not some health snack from Jamba Juice. This weapon of mass seduction is essentially padded underwear to give your gluteus maximus that extra “pop!” And did I mention they come in a variety of fun colors and styles?

AS IF WE DIDN’T ALREADY FEEL BAD ENOUGH ABOUT FALSELY ADVERTISING OUR BREASTS, NOW THEY WANT US TO STUFF OUR UNDERWEAR, TOO? What happens when a guy brings a girl home because of her J-Lo-like feature? I hardly imagine him reacting positively to her butt coming off.

At the very least, I guess I can say the Booty Pop is multifunctional. A floatation device and seat rest all in one is hard to come by. And at the bargain price of $28, it’s also hard to refuse. I, however, have come to terms with the fact that I am not Beyonce Knowles (even though I get that all the time). I don’t need to wear pockets of air on my ass to pretend like I am.

Next there’s the Bump-It, a product that’s only useful if you plan on attending a Jersey Shore party. It might also be handy if you are trying to meet the height requirement for a rollercoaster. This masterpiece of innovation is basically a plastic hair piece you put underneath your locks to give it that extra va-va-voom.

I’m not going to even try to defend this product by arguing a dual purpose. It’s terrible and looks stupid. Please don’t buy it.

Finally, fake tanning is another trend I’ve never understood. You go to a salon, sit in a metal contraption and pay someone to increase your risk of cancer. But no, you don’t do it just once – you make a point to do this several times a week. You even become a tanning salon member and get discounts on the harm you are inflicting upon yourself.

Congratulations, you look like an Oompa Loompa in February. And at the age of 30, you’ll look like crepe paper. Either way, it’s probably not worth whatever you’re paying for it.

Across the board, though, it seems that increased volume is the desired effect. We need to plump up our lips, inflate our butts, poof up our hair and push up our boobs.

Because of the rise in products allowing us to achieve these effects, I find myself forgetting what women actually look like. Why don’t I have the lips of a sea bass? How come I’m the only one glowing in the dark? Why the hell doesn’t my booty pop?

I guess the two major issues I have with these types of products are as follows:

First, you are throwing down big bucks to be something you’re not, because society has convinced us that’s what we need to be.

Second, the intention of these products is presumably to be attractive to your peers. But at the end of the day, someone is undoubtedly going to realize that your rear end is detachable, your hair is removable and your sun-kissed glow comes from a cancerous box.

So ditch the stupid “enhancers,” be yourself and attract someone who will like you for who and what you are to begin with. And if you’re butt is really that flat, there’s this machine called a treadmill and an exercise known as running.

AMANDA HARDWICK knows more about the Booty Pop than a normal person should. If you want to ridicule her for this, send her an e-mail at aghardwick@ucdavis.edu.

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