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Davis, California

Wednesday, May 22, 2024

Column: Office hours

I’ve never attended office hours before. Just the thought of sitting alone in a room with a professor seems awkward to me. And frankly, I usually don’t start assignments early enough to seek help.

But this quarter, I’m seriously contemplating a trip over to Voorhies Hall and meeting up with my stud muffin of an English professor.

To keep his identity unknown (because I’m sure he reads the paper, recognizes me in class and secretly wants me), I’ll call him Professor Sexiness.

Prof. Sexiness is sexy inside and out. He’s tremendously tall, wears a sultry smile and looks downright delicious in corduroys, neckties and rolled-up sleeves. He’s also got a great sense of humor and seems genuinely amiable. And not only is he easy on the eyes, but his voice is just as pleasant. (I always let out a faint sigh when he walks into class and greets us with “Good afternoon, everyone.”)

This isn’t a crush, however. He’s just eye candy. Hell, I can count the number of hot English professors on one hand. The chance I end up in one of their classes is near impossible. So I might as well take full advantage now. But that doesn’t mean I want to sleep with him – he’s married for Britney’s sake!

How do I know I’m not crushing on Prof. Sexiness? Because I’ve experienced a real crush on a professor before.

It was my first quarter here at Davis. There I was, a confused little freshman wandering into my Intro to Lit class. To my pleasant surprise, I found a hot and steamy grad student at the head of the class, nearly knocking me off my feet in all his hunky glory.

It was lust at first sight. He was young, dreamy and had amazing pecs. He dressed very casually and he even had a tattoo on his bulging left forearm. Every Tuesday and Thursday, I’d sit in the front of the classroom, pretend he was talking to only me and laugh heartily at every one of his jokes. Obviously, we had a fairly serious relationship.

Sadly, it ended the minute I handed him my final. As we parted ways, he said, “Goodbye, Mario. It was a pleasure having you.” I haven’t seen him since, but I know he still wants me – after all, he did give me that A.

Now, I know that student-teacher relations are to be kept to a professional and limited capacity. But it doesn’t hurt anyone to fantasize, does it? If UC Davis wants to dangle some hot pieces of meat in front of our classes, the least we can do is stare, salivate and wish, right? Or is that just me?

What I’m trying to say is this: If you’re anything like me, general naughtiness has a pretty strong hold on your thoughts. So when there’s a hottie in front of you, the first thing you do is undress him or her with your eyes. Professors bear no exception.

Now that I think of it, nothing but good things can come from hot professors. Because of their good looks, I’m able to genuinely pay attention to lectures. I hang upon their every word and my notes are thorough enough to start my own note-taking biz. Their sexy-with-a-touch-of-nerdy styles get me to come to class regularly. I become a good student, thanks to the few hotties in the UC Davis English department.

Classes would be a lot more tolerable if they were all instructed by hot professors. No matter how painstakingly dull the material is, keeping my eyes open would no longer be such a daunting task. And even if I don’t pay attention, simply checking him out is always a satisfying and harmless exercise.

I know this topic is probably not what you were expecting from me, and for that I apologize. But I feel you, my precious readers. We’re all in need of a little de-stressor. Even though this “crush on a teacher” thing is so middle school, it’s relatable.

Think back. I’d be the first to call you a dirty liar if you say you haven’t had a thing for a cute teacher. Maybe not here in Davis, but I’m positive that at some point in your educational pursuit, you’ve come across a sexy geometry teacher, guidance counselor, PE coach or Spanish teacher.

So amid excruciating midterms, 10-page papers and mountains of homework, I encourage you all to take things a little easier. Meet with your professors (even the ones who aren’t so cute) and compliment them on their orthopedic shoes or tweed coats. Share a smile.

And if you do happen to have a hot professor, reward yourself with a little more face time and show up to an office hour or two.

After all, it doesn’t hurt to look.

MARIO LUGO may be a lot of things, but a homewrecker he is not. That being said, he’ll be on his best behavior and suppress all desires when he meets with (married!) Prof. Sexiness. Send him words of encouragement at mlugo@ucdavis.edu.


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