Column: Best of DAVE-is

Somebody told me The Aggie ® is doing its “Best of Davis ©” piece soon. That same somebody also told me I couldn’t fit in a ® or a © in my article. Well, I just did. So suck it.

Anyway, I figured I should write my own “Best of DAVE-is™” in true Big D Karimi style.

Normally, said style means profanity-laden, unintelligible drivel packaged neatly into 600 words. This week is no exception. (Actually, it’s more like 900 words. My editor has given up trying to hold me to my word count.)

Best sushi buffet: Jusco takes the cake here because the fried calamari is GODLY. Also, that dude with the hat who comes to pick up the ironclad, laminated, permanent-marker-impenetrable menu is really nice.

Notice I said sushi buffet, rather than sushi “joint.” I don’t know who the FUCK pays for sushi by the piece. I only eat sushi when it’s guaranteed to never stop … floating on those little boats.

Best place to see a bike accident: The bike circle in front of Chem 194 and Outdoor Adventures. Apparently, there’s like a ceremony or something in which seniors bring bagged lunches and watch the freshmen get into accidents on the first day of classes.

That’s bullshit. Why would you purposely bring lawn chairs to watch people get injured? No less in front of fucking OUTDOOR ADVENTURES, where they teach CPR and EMT classes? Talk about mixed signals.

Most ubiquitous/annoying Davis Wiki editors: JabberWokky, BrentLaabs and StevenDaubert. These people edit/contribute/comment on EVERY FUCKING THING ON DAVIS WIKI.

I’ve been here almost four years, and these guys will not stop spreading their edits all over the Davis Wiki-sphere. Oh, an article about hot air balloons in Davis? Neat. Oh…wait…StevenDaubert NEEDED to put his two cents in, saying “I’ve always seen balloons in the early morning looking west, it’s good times.” GOOD TIMES BALLOON WATCHING?! GODDAMN YOU, DAUBERT. STOP COMMENTING ON EVERYTHING. THERE ARE ONLY SIXTY THOUSAND PEOPLE IN DAVIS!

Best place to see grown men beat each other with PVC pipes wrapped in pool noodles and gratuitous amounts of duct tape in the shape of medieval weapons: Just meet me at the west side of the Russell Field at 1 p.m. on Saturday. Bring your war face.

Best bar in Davis: Sophia’s is the best bar in this town, although that’s really not saying much since the bars here suck.

First of all, it’s right next to Vito’s – a.k.a. the best pizza in Davis. (Sorry, Woodstock’s. Your pizza sauce is too sweet. It’s like I’m eating a snickers bars laden with mushrooms and pepperoni.) Second, it’s got a fucking fish tank. There is nothing I’d rather look at while I’m drinking White Russians. Nothing.

Best place to see awkward sexual tension: This one’s a tie. The first one: any bar that has a line to get your ID checked – no exceptions. Just pay attention and you’re bound to eavesdrop on a classic line like, “Oh you’re into yoga? Noy-ce, noy-ce. I’ve got so many yogas at my place … you should, uhh, come see them.”

The second one: The gym, near the ellipticals where attractive girls are usually flanked by meatheads looking to potentially impress some toned hottie on his way in so she’ll casually watch him do bicep curls for the next 45 minutes. Nice try, bro. She’s not going to pay attention. You did yourself a disservice with the swoop-in because she probably didn’t want anybody to see her sweaty.

Best Unitrans bus line you never knew goes to north Davis besides G or J: The B line does. In fact, if you play your cards right and get off at the right stop (Drake Apartments), you can pretty much eliminate the need to pack yourself like a sardine on the G or J line.

(Here’s a tip: Don’t be afraid of taking off your backpack and getting closer to your neighbor. Do you realize how much time a bus driver wastes trying to coax stupid sheeple to burst their imaginary personal-space bubbles? I once had to drive a W line after the last final of spring quarter last year. It was absolute torture – there were over a 100 sheeple in there. And this one prick kept hitting the handicap stop button so I had NO IDEA WHO WANTED TO STOP BECAUSE EVERY STOP WAS BEING REQUESTED SO I JUST STOPPED AT EVERY STOP AND ASKED IF ANYONE WANTED TO GET OFF.)

((I’m in the library right now, and there are a bunch of creepy people walking around telling me the library closes soon. I don’t know what the hell they’re talking about because I thought today was the fucking study-in, but maybe I was misinformed. It’s Sunday night. Apparently, the protest was Friday and Saturday night and they left the signs up. Holy shit, they’re turning off the lights. They always do that bullshit where they turn them off and then on. Stop scaring me, you ASSHOLES. I THOUGHT WE WERE PROSTESTING ALL NIGHT. Just for that, next time I’m going to bring in a cup with a non-sealable lid. That’ll stick it to the regents.))

(((No more parenthesis – this week, at least. I promise.)))

Stay tuned next week for DAVE KARIMI’s “Worst of DAVE-is™.” It’ll definitely include annoying townies that don’t want you to use profanities around their children at Guad’s. E-mail him at dkarimi@ucdavis.edu for any suggestions.