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Wednesday, December 1, 2021

Column: Beavers and nuts

With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, I thought I’d let you know this week is National Condom Week. The Love Lab, in conjunction with the Cowell Student Health Center Annex, is celebrating in full force in various locations around campus. They have been and will continue handing out condoms and lubrication for the rest of the week. Wetter is better!

The American Social Health Association is stressing the importance of protection, and urges people to learn about STD risk and condom use. So if you haven’t already picked up your vanilla-flavored or glow-in-the-dark condom, I suggest you head over the Love Lab ASAP!

So now that I have you thinking about condoms, you’re probably also thinking about what goes in condoms. Yes, that’s right. The “male reproductive organ,” as one my friends likes to call it.

We all know a person or two who may be on the shy side or too embarrassed to actually say the words “penis” or “vagina.” For these people, making up names for the parts may lessen their fear of saying the words themselves.

Then there are those who like to make up names for their precious cargo just for the fun of it. Some may do this to sound cool or macho. Some may do it to celebrate the part’s existence as done in The Vagina Monologues.

Here’s a story that made me laugh. A friend told me a guy once asked her if she wanted to go to “bonetown.” Of course, he was referring to sex. She, as most girls would probably do, laughed. Bonetown? Really?

It’s clear this is not a one-sided issue. Names for both the vagina and penis have been around for quite some time.

During one Thanksgiving holiday, a friend of mine was enjoying Turkey and stuffing with her family. She found herself in a room with her aunt discussing their “beavers” toward the end of the meal.

Yes, “beaver” is what you think it is. During the conversation, the middle-aged woman even asked one of her nieces to “drop trou” to validate whether or not she had a fire crotch.

No matter how old you are, you’re never too old to discuss beavers and nuts. (Look! I made a funny.)

After doing some research, I have found some pretty interesting names for both the male and female parts. The following names are just a small sample of the various words I came across. (So if your favorite word to use is missing, I apologize.)

For the female: the tunnel of love, cooter, punani, vajayjay, cha-cha, peach, cooch and pink taco.

For the male: the magic stick, schlong, wood, dick, pocket rocket, the poker, one-eyed snake and Mr. Man.

I hope you feel enlightened from this little vocabulary lesson. I know I do.

Don’t be ashamed if you feel embarrassed saying certain words. You’re not alone. It’s part of growing up. When we’re little, we’re told certain words are inappropriate. So we make up words for our respective parts and hope one day we’ll feel comfortable enough to use the real, medical terms.

In the mean time, though, go ahead and talk about your enormous schlong or your beautiful cooter. It’s your body, so you can describe it however you like. Just remember to protect it.

Don’t forget about National Condom Week. Cover those puppies up this Valentine’s Day or night. And if you’re a V-day hater, I’m sorry. Condoms are cool on any day of the year, so get yours today!

ERICA BETNUN is still perplexed by the amount of names someone can give their you-know-whats. If you’d like to share some more, e-mail her at elbetnun@ucdavis.edu.

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