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Friday, July 30, 2021

Column: Take a load off

As I sit with my Macbook in my lap, biting my nails and racking my brain for any little idea on how to start my column, my boyfriend Arthur feels a dire need to be of some assistance. He turns to me and flashes a crafty smile. Sometimes he’s just too cute for words.

“Let’s have sex. Maybe that’ll give you some inspiration.”

I’m tempted. But with finals just one day away, maybe sex shouldn’t be a priority. Maybe I should open up those novels I’ve been ignoring instead of opening up the condom wrappers. Maybe I should remember topics covered in class instead of remembering superior fellatio techniques. Then again, those are big “maybes.”

Thinking more about it, perhaps Arthur’s on to something. It has been a while since I’ve last written about sex. I have to write about something. And quite frankly, I’m going to take him up on his offer so I have to get this column out of the way quickly.

So, sex it is – not only for tonight’s sake but for this column’s sake, as well. Inspired by my horny boyfriend and the rampant emergence of study guides and review sessions all over campus, I’ve decided to write my own study guide, if you will. Consider this your reader for “Sex 101: Tips and Tricks for Chicks and Dicks.” After all, some of us may want to take a load off from finals.

Foreplay

Some love it, some hate it. In my opinion, I love to hate it.

Foreplay is great when you’re sure you’re going somewhere. If you know that you’re about to go all the way, foreplay is oftentimes a pleasurable build-up.

But sometimes it goes on for too long. You may think to yourself, Okay, sure. Making out with you feels really good and I really like what you’re doing with your hands but can we please move on to something more stimulating?

My take on foreplay is this: Offer it. If ever offered, take it. Foreplay is definitely a most pleasant appetizer, but it sure as hell better not be the only thing I get to order.

Oral

Eating out? Not a problem. Whether you’re giving or receiving, oral sex never fails to disappoint – unless you suck at it.

Since I only have experience with blowjobs, I’ll write accordingly. (My apologies to cunnilingus enthusiasts.)

If you’re getting your member worked, don’t be afraid to speak up. Tell your partner how you like it, ask the fellator to slow down or let him/her know if it’s just not working. Make requests, but don’t be too picky. Some of the best times come along when you just let go and have someone else take the reins.

I’m a giver, so I know a thing to two about taking that damn rein. First of all, just because it’s a blowjob doesn’t mean your hands shouldn’t be in on the action as well.

Secondly, open wide. Sure, it might take some getting used to, but do trust me when I say the recipient of your service will appreciate it.

And lastly, don’t forget about the balls to his bat, the boys, the family jewels – they need some love, too. Paying attention to all of a man works wonders.

The dirty

Newsflash: Anal isn’t just for gay men. Plenty of people of all shapes and sexualities enjoy taking a ride on the caboose. If you don’t, then by all means, keep doing what you’re doing. But for those of you who do like booty action, here’s what you need to know: 1) A happy bottom is a clean bottom, 2) lubricant is your best friend and 3) start out slow.

For the ladies, don’t hesitate to get on top – show your man who’s boss. Let him lie down and put his hands behind his head. Remind him your sexual needs are just as important and need to be met just as much as his do.

Sex is a tango for two (or three, four – however many you want!). Make sure both (or every) sex partner is receiving and giving satisfaction. Sex isn’t a one-person show (I’ll get to that in a bit), so just remember that your partner has needs and desires, too.

Going solo

The absence of a partner is no reason to deny yourself of sexual satisfaction. Masturbation is the perfect way to take a load off and receive some instant gratification. You get to know yourself. It’s reliable. It’s safe. It’s what you’re used to. And there’s nothing to be ashamed about.

So when all else fails, there’s no harm in resorting to “Ol’ Reliable,” a.k.a. your hand. We all need a little love, even if it’s self-induced.

With finals week looming around the corner, I urge you all to take a load off. Take a break from studying and have a little fun. Whether it be a night out with friends or some crazy hot sex, stress relief is always encouraged.

As for me, I’m just glad I finally finished this column. Now I can “study” with Arthur.

MARIO LUGO hopes each and every one of you kicks your finals’ asses. He also wishes you all a fabulous spring break. Until next quarter! Reach him at mlugo@ucdavis.edu.

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