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Davis, California

Wednesday, April 24, 2024

Column: Deconstructing Mario

How can this be? How can you already have The Aggie in your hands? Did you even have a spring break?

Yes, my little honeybees, spring break is over – and yes, you’re back in school.

I know, I’m down about it, too. But just look around. The flowers have blossomed, the sun is out and so are the shirtless athletes. It’s spring!

Bare-chested beaus aside, I’m thrilled to bring you gorgeous Aggies another quarter of this little column of mine. I try my hardest to brighten up your Mondays.

Before I get back into the full swing of things, I wanted to take some time to let my readers get to know me a little better. I want you all to see where I’m coming from – how I acquired my vast knowledge on matters of the heart. After all, if I’m going to help your romantic and sexual endeavors, you’ve got to know where I’m coming from, right?

I’ve learned a lot about dating, relationships, hook-ups, sex and break-ups by living through it all. Although I’m not too proud of some past tidbits of my love life, I believe I learned something from every hook-up, every douche and every heartbreak.

My first real relationship started in high school with … a girl. (No, your eyes do not deceive you. The out-and-proud Mario Lugo you all know and love had a girlfriend once upon a time.)

Her name was Bethany. In high school, I would have done anything to stop the gay rumors. Unfortunately, I think that was the reason I entered the relationship. It turns out I truly did find love – a “best friend” kind of love. She was there for me in every way imaginable, supported me and opened me up. We shared everything.

We even came to Davis together. Yup, she’s out there somewhere, readers. Sadly, I couldn’t hide who I was any longer. I ended the relationship because it was unfair to her. Six months later, I mustered up the courage to finally come out to her.

We don’t talk anymore. It’s understandable, but I just had to finally be true to myself. (B – if you’re reading this, I never lied when I said I loved you. I’m sorry things turned out this way.)

Then came my first boyfriend Josue. I didn’t have a ride to a party and he picked me up. That was the first time we met face-to-face. I still remember how good he smelled. At the party, my now-roommate Belle drunkenly pressured us into a make-out session. Soon after, we were “unofficially together.”

In all honesty, we acted more like a couple before we decided to make it “official.” Things went downhill once we slapped the label of “boyfriend” on each other. We saw less of each other, didn’t communicate as much as we used to and simply grew apart. In the end, Josue thought a text message break-up would suffice. How sweet of him.

After Josue, I set out for new heights – and the 6-foot-7 Mickey caught my eye. Although exuberant and kind, Mickey never intended to commit to a relationship with me. It was the classic unrequited love story: I liked him a lot and longed to be in a relationship with him, but he was perfectly content with “staying friends” – and a casual hook-up every now and again.

When I met him, he was in a rocky relationship but didn’t have the balls to end it. I waited like a measly doormat and didn’t want to realize my own stupidity. Every time we hooked up, I thought to myself, We’ll be together soon, just wait a little longer. Mickey did end up leaving his boyfriend, but he went into the arms of some other Joe Schmoe. Guess I wasn’t his type?

I had a hard time learning my lesson in Boyland. I got desperate and tried finding a true relationship with jerks who cheated, jerks who lied, jerks who didn’t care and jerks who just wanted sex. One jerk in particular, Steve, was the cherry on top of my pathetic search for love. He was in the Craigslist classifieds while we were together, wanting to hook up with any guy who was interested.

After that, I wanted nothing to do with men. I was done. I vowed to never stupidly fall for some other heartbreaker again.

That’s when Arthur came along, the love of my life. We met rushing the same fraternity. I was hooked instantly. The more we talked and hung out, the more I liked him. We had a lot of common interests, he was always sweet to me and he was just so damn cute.

From then on, we just became attached. We were inseparable. Now, he and I have a very powerful, faithful, respectful and loving relationship that goes beyond anything I’ve ever felt. I love him to pieces. Forever.

So, honeybees, there’s my love life in a nutshell. I’ve been through some shit, huh? I’m living proof that heartaches may sting, but they don’t keep you down forever.

Now I feel like we’re all best friends. Let’s go shopping!

MARIO LUGO would like to take this opportunity to announce all names used in this column are fictitious, as to protect the true identities of the aforementioned peoples. No actual people were harmed in the writing of this column. Mario can be reached at mlugo@ucdavis.edu.


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