Column: Things to do butt-naked

So I was standing in line at SaveMart, buying my usual DiGiorno pizza, when I saw a Cosmopolitan magazine. Of course, there was some half-naked woman on the cover looking at me like I was a DiGiorno pizza. What made it even more uncomfortable was the fact it was Lady Gaga.

(I think I’m the only person on the face of the Earth that hasn’t gone gaga over Gaga. Her outfits are stupid and her songs bug me. What the hell is a disco stick? Why don’t you just turn off your phone when you’re at a club? What if I just dance and things aren’t okay?)

Anyway, Lady Gaga isn’t the focus here. The focus here is the headline that was next to her creepy picture. It read something like “50 Things To Do Butt-Naked.” Or it was “50 Ways To Be Naked.” Or maybe it was “50 Ways To Do Things Naked With Your Butt.” I can’t keep track anymore. Basically, they take the same words every month and rearrange them into a new headline.

They then give you some bogus list of ridiculous ways to “please” your boyfriend. After skimming through some of these suggestions, I have come to the conclusion that most of these things are impossible – or just plain painful for everyone involved.

Many of them involve twisting something, pulling something else and one or both people have to do the splits while simultaneously listening to Barry White. I just don’t get it. I could be wrong, but I can see a lot of these tips going very badly.

I once read an article that actually advised girls to rub a sliced mango on a certain person in a certain place. WHAT IF THEY HAD A FOOD ALLERGY?! Sounds like a lawsuit to me.

Ever since I entered my tween years, then my teen years and now young adulthood, I have been subjected to this shitty advice from Cosmo. I have to hear girls talk about what they read in the magazine, see its stupid articles hanging on peoples’ fridges and even read them on occasion when I’m bored at a doctor’s office.

I think I can come up with an equally stupid list of things to do butt-naked that Cosmo can publish. I imagine they’re running out of ammo after years of generating useless tips month after month after month anyway.

So here is just a sample of my own personal list of 50 Things to Do Butt-Naked – in Davis.

Before I begin, let me say that I can’t vouch for the safety of any of these activities. So here we go.

1) You can ride your bike to class … butt-naked. With the weather heating up, it would be like having an AC on your bike. It’s not weird at all. You’re adapting to the weather. People will think you’re a genius. (Wear deodorant.)

2) Go shop at the Farmers Market … butt-naked. You’ll probably get some sweet discounts. Or maybe you’ll simply have free clothes thrown at you because people will want you to dress yourself. Try it out.

3) Check out the Whole Earth Festival … butt-naked. I can’t guarantee that this would be the first time someone tried this at the event. Actually, I’m pretty positive there will be more people doing this than I care to imagine. Whatever.

4) Show up to your PE class … butt-naked. Can you think of a better way to distract your opponents?

5) You can organic farm … butt-naked. I honestly can’t think of a legitimate reason for anyone to try this. But it’s Davis, so it had to be suggested.

6) Make some cookies for your roommates … butt-naked. Why? BECAUSE YOU CAN.

7) Go to Picnic Day … butt-naked. Everyone that sees you will be drunk anyway. They’ll probably think they’re imagining it.

8) Climb the bicycle statue off of Russell Boulevard … butt-naked. You’d go down in history for this feat – possibly on Davis Wiki. You’ll be a king. Have someone take your picture, too. New Facebook default!

I could probably come up with a million more. However, I fear they are going to start getting disgusting pretty soon or all involve the arboretum. Plus, I’m running out of column space. Guess I’ll call it quits.

A little part of me hopes some of you were reading this column butt-naked. I don’t mean that in a perverse way, of course. It would just be ironic.

AMANDA HARDWICK would like to hear your suggestions of things to do butt-naked. Shoot her an e-mail (preferably while not butt-naked, because that would make her feel awkward) at aghardwick@ucdavis.edu.