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Wednesday, October 27, 2021

Column: Random musings

It’s finally happened. I’m staring at my word processor and drawing a complete blank. In my defense, I think I’ve lasted pretty long (that’s what he said). There are only like eight weeks left in my Aggie career (EIGHT WEEKS?!), and this is the first time my writer’s block has reared its ugly head.

I’ve sat here producing random thought after random thought, but none of them seem to generate enough juice for a column. So then I had another random thought: I will simply list ALL my random thoughts. It’s genius!

Consider this a glimpse inside my mind – not that there are too many exciting things going on in there half the time. These are the wannabe column topics that just didn’t make the cut for one reason or another. Or that I was just too lazy to milk for 600 words.

Let’s begin.

1) In the first grade, I was advised to be in the speech class because I still talked like a four-year-old. Apparently, I pronounced “w’s” like “r’s” and vice versa. Yeah, wight.

2) When giving oral presentations, I have the nervous habit of st-st-stuttering and lisping, invoking the sympathy of my professors. This COULD be the result of me not taking the speech class…

3) In fifth grade, we were supposed to line up silently after recess. Kent Adams didn’t know this, so I politely informed him by kicking him and saying “shut up.” This was the first time I went to the principal’s office.

4) I don’t eat the “in-between” cheeses. This is a cheese that is NOT fully a solid or NOT fully a liquid. (E.g. pizza cheese, mozzarella sticks, etc.)

5) At the ripe age of 10, I thought it was a good idea to rollerblade down a mountain. I still have the scars down the back of my leg to prove it.

6) My face fluctuates between three colors: white, off-white (in summer) and tomato red. Tomato red means I’m either embarrassed, angry, uncomfortable or drunk. These things have been known to occur simultaneously.

7) I want someone to create some type of reverse high heel where you dig trenches in the ground when you walk. This way, I can experience the world from a normal height.

8) The most trashed I have ever been in my life was when I was not drunk. I had allergies. I took two Benadryl, forgot about it and drank two beers. DON’T EVER DO THIS.

9) My mom once left her wallet on a restaurant table and Clint Eastwood returned it to her. This does not directly pertain to me, but it’s an awesome story…

10) My middle name is Gay. There’s no nickname I haven’t heard. The award for most creative probably goes to the guy that said Amanda Gay Hardwick sounds a lot like “A Man to Gay Hard With.”

11) I generally think cats are disgusting.

12) This one time, I unexpectedly found myself having to sleep in my car in Monterey. Coldest night of my life.

13) The next day, I was that creepy person washing her face and dressing in the bathroom of a Border’s.

14) I think Goldschlager tastes like Big Red. This being said, Big Red now tastes like Goldschlager. I don’t know how I feel about that.

15) I believe Hope Floats is quite possibly the worst movie ever made.

16) The best nap I ever had occurred while trying to watch The Neverending Story, meaning it ties with Hope Floats for worst movie ever made.

17) I loathe country music. The day I download a Keith Urban song is the day someone needs to line dance on my head with a pair of steel-toed boots until I regain some sense of self-respect.

18) I sang the theme song from Titanic in my fourth grade talent show. It’s a decision I’ve come to regret every day.

19) Needles terrify me. This is why I never want to be a diabetic, heroin addict or seamstress. If needles didn’t make me want to throw up, I might be a diabetic seamstress that shoots heroin.

20) I almost made it to 25. This reminds me that 10 minutes on a UC Davis parking meter costs 25 cents and that pisses me off. Guess what color my face is.

Props to those of you that know me well enough to realize this is basically my “25 Things About Me” list on Facebook. For all you social science majors like me, I promise there will be less numbers in next week’s column.

AMANDA HARDWICK can be reached most effectively by carrier pigeon, because freaking AT&T likes to drop all her calls. If your pigeon is out of commission, you can e-mail her at aghardwick@ucdavis.edu.

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